


Let it Burn

by lovesnarf (snarfette)



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Fire, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No character death despite the angst level, Robert’s redemption storyline, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-01-30 10:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12652188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarfette/pseuds/lovesnarf
Summary: Robert wasn’t going to lose anyone else he loved to fire.





	1. 1. Let it all burn; it’s what I deserve

**Author's Note:**

> Based on prompts/theories/discussions about the possible redemption/getting back together with Aaron storyline for Robert along with Gerry’s possible pyromaniac tendencies. 
> 
> Chapter title from ‘Paradise Lost’ by Hollywood Undead.
> 
> I’d love to know what you think of this so please leave me some feedback. It’ll encourage me to work on the next part of this fic ;)

Robert’s week had been going surprisingly well. To be honest, the last few weeks had been a gradual improvement. After the last few months of hell, it wasn’t like things could be much worse really. Things had finally started to settle down and he felt like he was finally making some progress with Aaron, which was more than he could ever have hoped for.

He was the first to admit that he’d well and truly fucked things up. He knew he only had himself to blame and he’d accepted that guilt. It had torn him apart to be separated from Aaron, and despite his best efforts to win his husband (ex-husband he still had to remind himself) round he’d realised that he was pushing too hard, achieving nothing more than hurting Aaron even more and driving an even bigger wedge between them. He’d finally realised that he had to let Aaron go, regardless of how much that pained him, because Aaron needed space to heal himself.

He’d watched from afar as Aaron had seemed to become happier once more. It had driven an ice-cold spike through his heart when he’d seen that doctor disappearing into The Mill with Aaron following him inside, but he’d had to accept it. He had no choice. He was responsible for ruining their little family and it was a guilt that he would carry forever.

But over the last few weeks, there had been a subtle shift. He’d actually had to speak to Aaron a few times and the other man hadn’t blanked him or told him to ‘do one’ and the change was like a breath of fresh air.

Even tonight, Aaron had been in the pub with Adam, and when he’d seen Robert he hadn’t turned his face away, he hadn’t scowled at him, he’d given him a small smile and a nod of the head, and Robert’s heart had practically thudded out of his chest at the simple gesture.

But he was getting so much better at being patient. Not so long ago, he’d have marched over to Aaron and tried to force himself into his life again, tried to make conversation and greedily take all of Aaron’s attention for himself. Instead, he’d returned the smile and sat at the bar chatting with Vic, and kept his desire to be part of Aaron’s world to himself.

He’d left the pub after he’d finished his pint and was about to wander back to Vic’s, feeling quite content with the way life was treating him at the moment, when he caught the smell of something burning in the air. Looking all around, he soon caught sight of the cause of the smell. Thick smoke was rising from the windows of The Mill and Robert’s heart plummeted. Rushing towards his former home, he could see the flames already licking at the ground floor of the property.

He yanked his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialled 999. After he’d all but yelled at the poor woman at the other end of the line, telling her the address and what he could see, he hung up and rushed towards the building. She’d wanted him to stay on the line until the fire brigade arrived, but Robert was terrified by the sight before him because he knew that while Aaron was safely at the pub, Liv was at home.

“Liv!” he yelled as he ran down the driveway, already fishing his keys out of his pocket. He’d never been more grateful for the fact that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to take the key to The Mill off his keyring, much like he’d never been able to remove his wedding ring. It had felt too final to make such a step and he was going to be forever thankful for that now.

As he got closer, he could see the extent of the fire tearing its way through the house and then the most terrifying sight of all: Liv’s petrified face at her bedroom window, her fists banging on the glass as she looked down at him in terror. “Robert!” she screamed. He could only just hear her through the glass, but the fear made her voice carry to his ears.

“I’m coming to get you!” Robert shouted up to her. His hands were shaking as he tried to get the key into the lock, but finally he made it inside and immediately staggered back at the heat pouring from the house.

For a moment, he froze.

He could see the flames licking at the walls, he could hear the roaring of the fire as it devoured everything in its path, and he could hear his mother screaming for help. He shook his head. No, he couldn’t hear her because that was in the past. He hadn’t been able to save his mum, no-one had, but he could save Liv. He wasn’t going to lose anyone else he loved to fire.

Pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and mouth, he took one last deep breath of mostly fresh-air, before he ran inside the building. 

The heat was so intense that it almost overwhelmed him. The flames seemed to be everywhere, leaping out at him, reaching for him as he picked his way through the smoke-filled living room.

His eyes were already stinging, his lungs already protesting against the acrid smoke that he was forced to inhale, but he kept moving. To stop would be to give up and there was no way he was doing that.

As he climbed the spiral staircase, he refused to look down at the scene below. He wasn’t sure he was brave enough to carry on if he knew what they would have to face on their return journey.

Coughing and desperate for air, he burst into Liv’s bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him. She immediately ran to him, as he gasped and looked her over. Her face was blotchy and tear-stained, her eyes wide as she waited for him to catch his breath.

Regardless of whatever else had gone on, Robert was relieved to see her unharmed. Liv had been so furious with him for destroying her family and had fired so many insults at him since she’d returned to the village, but Robert had never stopped caring about her. He’d never blamed her for being angry: he just blamed himself.  
“Are you alright?” he asked, knowing it was a stupid question but needing to hear that she wasn’t actually hurt.

“I’m ok,” she told him and Robert knew it was a lie: he knew she was putting on a brave face for him. “I don’t know what happened. Where’s Gerry?”

“Gerry?” Robert asked in confusion.

“He was downstairs. I don’t know how the fire started,” she said in a rush.

“Don’t worry about that now,” Robert told her calmly. “The fire brigade are on their way but we need to get out of here.” He needed to stay calm, to take charge, just like he had on that terrible day that he’d woken up to find himself and Aaron trapped in that car at the bottom of the lake. He needed to plan and get them out safely - he could do this.

“We need to get down the stairs and out as quickly as possible. We need to stay low and keep your mouth and nose covered.” He looked around, finding a t-shirt thrown over her chair and handed it to her. “It looks bad downstairs, but as soon as we leave this room you need to keep going until you’re outside, okay?”

She nodded quickly, fear in her eyes, and he tried to smile reassuringly at her.

Robert returned to the bedroom door, checking that Liv was right behind him. “Are you ready?” he asked her.

Again Liv nodded, as she pressed the t-shirt against her face, and Robert pulled open the door. He stepped out onto the landing and was once again hit by the intense heat.

“Robert?” Liv gasped from behind him. He could tell she was terrified.

The fire had got worse while they’d been shut inside the relative safety of the bedroom. Robert swallowed at the sight of it as the sweat prickled on his skin. Shrugging out of his jacket, he draped it over Liv’s head and shoulders.

“Here,” he shouted over the roar. “Keep this over your head until you get out.”

“What about you?” she asked.

“I’ll be fine. Now, come on, we’ve got to go. Remember to stay low.”

They picked their way along the landing and reached the top of the stairs. Robert cautiously led the way down, constantly checking that Liv was right behind him, holding her hand when she stumbled slightly, until they reached the bottom.

The downstairs was like a scene from Robert’s nightmares. He’d never wanted to find himself in a situation like this. Glancing towards the front door, he saw that part of the ceiling had collapsed, leaving only a narrow path to reach the door, with more of the roof looking like it might fall at any moment and block their escape route. They had to move fast.

He grabbed Liv’s hand before he pushed her in front of himself. “Straight for the door,” he yelled. She looked at him wide-eyed. “I’ll be right behind you. You’ll be alright, I promise. I won’t let you get hurt.”

Robert never wanted to see a look of terror on her face like the one she wore in that moment. He nodded at her and they both turned for the door.

Robert saw the moment that Liv summoned her courage and he felt a swell of pride as she ran through the raging flames towards the door, keeping his jacket wrapped around her just like he’d instructed her.

He followed her but stumbled over something on the floor. Losing his footing, he crashed onto one knee and growled in pain. He looked up in time to see Liv disappear through the door and out of the house and he felt a wave of relief wash over him. There were blue lights flashing outside and he knew that the emergency services had arrived.

He pushed himself up and hobbled a few more steps before a terrible groaning filled the air. He had no time to even react to the wooden beam that fell from the ceiling, crashing down on top of him and sending him falling backwards. He barely had time to register the pain in his head, before everything went black.

When Robert blearily opened his eyes, he couldn’t feel anything but he could see the flames. They were so close to him now. And he could hear a voice. Someone was calling his name. Slowly he turned his head to the side and he saw her. His mother was standing there. She was smiling. She kept calling to him and all he wanted was to go to her. He wanted to reach out to touch her but he couldn’t move.

“Mum?” he called hoarsely. His throat was burning: it hurt so much to speak.

“Sweetheart,” his mother said gently as she stepped closer to him. “You’re dying,” she told him. She sounded so sad. Robert didn’t want her to be sad.

“Mum...don’t...leave me,” he forced out. He could feel something now: a terrible pain pulsating through his whole body.

“I never left you, Robert,” she said as she looked at him, tears shining in her eyes. She walked towards him and knelt down beside him, running her hand through his hair. He couldn’t feel it: he couldn’t feel anything but the thrum of pain, but he wanted to imagine he could. That gentleness, that love, was something he’d been craving for so long.

His head fell to the side as he chased the feel of his mother’s love. He could see the flames surrounding him, moving ever closer. The smoke was thicker than ever, but there was a shaft of light coming from somewhere nearby.

‘Is this justice?’ he wondered. For all the scheming and heartache he had caused, was this his punishment? To die here, in the home he had shared with Aaron for the briefest of moments. Just like his mother had died, he was going to meet the same fate.

His sore eyes filled with tears. “I deserve this,” he whispered.

“Just hold on,” his mother told him.

His eyes fell closed and he felt himself become calm. He suddenly felt so tired that he just wanted to let go of everything and fall asleep.

“Robert! Robert!”

A voice was shouting his name. He wondered why his mother had started shouting at him, but when he opened his eyes to see what was wrong, she had vanished, almost like she’d never been there at all. He was all alone now.

There was nothing left within him to give him the strength to respond to the voice.

It would be over soon.

 


	2. Things We Lost to the Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the amazing response to chapter 1 of this little fic. 
> 
> The angst is strong. And there will be some descriptions of injuries (including burns) just in case that’s something you need to be warned about.
> 
> Chapter title from Bastille’s ‘Things We Lost in the Fire’

Aaron’s evening was going well. It felt like things had been gradually improving over the last few months.

The time since his release from prison had been a blur. His heart had been broken and then the fragments had been crushed into dust.

Telling Robert that their relationship was over had been one of the hardest decisions he’d ever made, and that was saying something when he thought back over his life, but he’d had to do it. For his own sanity, his own _life_ , he’d had to walk away from the love of his life.

At the time, he’d never thought that he’d get over what Robert had done, how his husband ( _ex_ -husband, he had to keep reminding himself) had destroyed their little family with one stupid mistake, a ridiculous notion of hurting Aaron as some sort of twisted payback. And God, he’d hurt Aaron. Maybe it hadn’t been intentional that he’d break them so completely, but he’d done it anyway.

And even when Aaron had come to the conclusion that he could actually forgive Robert for sleeping with Rebecca, everything had been ruined by the revelation that she was still pregnant with Robert’s child. But now, she was gone, the baby taken with her, and as bitter as it made him sound, he was pleased.

He’d seen Robert around the village, looking almost lost in the first few weeks after Rebecca had left and at first it had irritated Aaron. How dare Robert miss her? But after speaking to Vic and overhearing Diane and Doug, he’d come to realise that Robert didn’t miss Rebecca. He was upset with himself for messing up yet another relationship in his life: this time, the bond he could have had with his son.

From what he’d heard, Robert had actually wanted to prove that he could be a good father, but something had kicked off with Rebecca and she’d left the village practically overnight, taking Sebastian with her. Aaron had felt himself beginning to feel sympathy for Robert, even after everything that had gone on. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told Robert that he’d make a good father - it had just broken his heart all over again that it wouldn’t be to their child. But now he was just grateful that Robert was still in the village: he hadn’t ran away like he’d planned to and he hadn’t tried to follow Rebecca to wherever she’d taken Sebastian.

Things had seemed to settle down a lot and he’d even managed to hold some brief conversations with Robert in the last few weeks.

He couldn’t deny that the magnetism between them was still there. Nobody made his heart thud in his chest like Robert did; nobody knew him like Robert did; nobody made him roll his eyes and shake his head, but smile to himself like Robert did.

Over the last few weeks, Aaron had started to wonder if that spark that was so obviously still there between them, might someday (maybe soon) be reignited into something wonderful and passionate and so, so worth it.

So things with Robert had definitely improved and he couldn’t help but think that that was because he was in a better place himself. Being apart from Robert had been hell, but he’d known it was the right decision. He’d needed to sort himself out and he couldn’t do that surrounded by all the drama with Robert and their relationship. And he was doing so much better.

Even Liv seemed to be more settled of late. She’d even promised to stay at home tonight and get on with her homework which had to be a first, but Aaron wasn’t going to second guess it. His sister had been through a lot, not least having her family ripped apart by Robert’s betrayal. She’d taken it hard, even though she’d tried to put on a brave face for him. She’d been hurt and angry, and she’d certainly let Robert know exactly what she thought of him, but beneath it all, Aaron knew that she was gutted that their family unit had been destroyed. She missed Robert: they both did.

But things had definitely improved and Robert seemed so much better at understanding how things were now. Clearly Robert had struggled to accept that their relationship was over. He’d spent a long time trying to talk to Aaron, trying to win him round, and promising him that things would be ok, that they could just move on from what had happened, like there wouldn’t be a constant reminder in the village of what he’d done. But Aaron couldn’t accept that and when he’d made that clear to Robert, the other man had refused to give up. It had been torturous for Aaron to have to be so cold towards Robert every time he tried to talk to him, but he’d had no choice. He’d had to make it a clean break - or as clean as he could. Their relationship was far too complicated for anything to ever be easy.

And Robert had constantly been in his face, always trying to force them back together. Even when Aaron had been out with Alex, Robert had stuck his nose in and made a scene and Aaron had been mortified by his behaviour. But even after all that, he still wouldn’t hear Alex bad-mouthing his ex.

Over the last few weeks, Robert had changed. Aaron didn’t know all the ins and outs of what had gone on but his interactions with Robert had become easier somehow. They’d actually spoken properly for the first time in months - not about anything in depth or too heavy but it really felt like progress. And Robert wasn’t always trying to force things between them. He seemed calmer, more willing to accept that if they were going to make progress, it had to be a joint decision and there would be no rushing things.

Something as simple as Robert merely nodding and smiling at Aaron in the pub that night instead of interrupting his evening with Adam was a big step for Robert: one that Aaron really appreciated.

Aaron had watched from the corner of his eye as Robert had drained the last of his beer and quietly walked out of the pub. There was a yearning within him to go after him, to follow him so they could talk, so they could spend some time together, however brief that might be. But he didn’t. He was content to wait and see what might happen between them - for now.

He’d just finished his pint and was debating with Adam whether they should have another or call it a night, when the door to the pub was flung open and Sam came rushing in, frantically looking around the bar. His eyes landed on Aaron and he hurried over.

“Aaron,” he gasped, “it’s your house. There’s a fire!”

There was no hesitation as Aaron jumped to his feet, joined by Adam as they ran out of the pub with Sam hot on their heels.

They could see the smoke as they ran down the street.

“Did you call the fire brigade?” Aaron yelled over his shoulder at Sam.

“Yeah, I rang ‘em before I came to find you, but they said someone had already rang it in,” Sam called back.

As they reached the driveway, Aaron grabbed his head with both hands at the sight before them. He could see the flames flickering at the windows and the smoke billowing out. He took off, running towards the door, but was stopped by arms around him pulling him back.

“You can’t go in there, mate,” Adam shouted desperately at him.

“Liv’s in there!” Aaron yelled as he struggled against him. “I’ve got to get her out.”

“You’ll get yourself killed,” Adam tried to reason with him.

“I don’t care,” he replied. “I’ve got to get her.”

“Listen!” Adam yelled and he shook Aaron slightly. “The fire brigade’s here: I can hear the sirens.”

True enough the unmistakable sound of sirens could be heard, the flashing of blue lights visible, but Aaron wasn’t willing to waste a single second. Not if it meant the difference between Liv being hurt or safe. He used Adam’s momentary distraction to tear away from his hold, running towards the front door. From somewhere nearby he could hear his mum screaming his name, but he didn’t stop.

What brought him to a halt was the sight of Liv running out of the house, a jacket draped over her head and shoulders. There was a loud crashing sound from somewhere inside The Mill as she ran away from the fire.

Coughing and wheezing, tears leaving tracks through the soot on her face, she caught sight of Aaron and ran into his arms. Aaron pulled her close for a moment, hardly daring to believe that she was there in one piece, before he swiftly guided her up the driveway, away from the house, and then gently held her at arm’s length to look over her, throwing the ruined, scorched jacket away from her to the ground.

Desperately, his eyes scanned her face. “God, Liv. Are you alright?”

She nodded once before swallowing and then coughing.

“You need to get checked out,” Aaron declared, looking around for some help at the same time as not wanting to take his eyes off his little sister.

“What happened?” he asked as he looked back at her.

“I dunno,” she croaked. “I was upstairs and then the next thing I knew I could smell smoke.” She blinked up at Aaron, a few fresh tears tracking down her cheeks. Steam was actually rising from her where she stood and Aaron thanked whoever was listening that she hadn’t been more seriously hurt.

He glanced down at the burnt jacket on the floor and for a moment something tugged at his brain but he was so concerned about Liv that he couldn’t focus on it. Clearly the piece of clothing had protected her as she made her way out of the burning building and Aaron was amazed that she’d had the idea to wrap it around herself. He wouldn’t question that now: it had done the trick and kept her safe from the worst of the flames. It could be replaced: everything in the house could be replaced, but not his little sister.

Liv coughed again and she followed Aaron’s gaze to the crumpled, ruined jacket on the ground.  
“Where is he?” she asked, her voice rough and low.

‘Oh no,’ Aaron suddenly thought. ‘What if Gerry is still inside?’  
“Who? Gerry?” he asked.

Liv was shaking her head in confusion and frantically looking all around at the people that had gathered, the paramedics and fire crew that had arrived. Her wide eyes turned back to Aaron and she looked scared; even more scared than she had as she’d ran out of the burning building.  
“Robert,” she gasped.

Some awful, cold feeling crawled across Aaron’s skin at the sound of Robert’s name. His stomach flipped uncomfortably and he dreaded asking what she meant. He already knew. Something in his head, his heart, was screaming at him that he already knew where Robert was. Glancing at the jacket on the ground again, he knew where he recognised it from.

“What about him?” he asked desperately.

Wide eyed, Liv opened her mouth to speak, but instead she turned back to The Mill and then to face Aaron again. “He came in to help me,” she said in a rush. “He was right behind me. Where is he, Aaron?”

No, no, no. Aaron’s mind was flooded with the word. All he could think of was Robert still trapped inside.

“Stay here,” he commanded, before he rushed towards one of the fire men. “Please,” he shouted, “we think there’s someone still inside.” Desperately, he pointed at the house, knowing it was redundant but needing them to understand the urgency.

“Who?” the fireman asked him.

“His name’s Robert. He went in to help my sister but he hasn’t come out. You have to help him. Please.”

The man looked at him seriously before immediately using his radio to inform the crew that there was a person unaccounted for. There was a flurry of activity and fire men in full breathing apparatus headed towards the building.

All Aaron could do was wait.

He returned to Liv, who was shaking as she stood wrapped in a silver blanket, but refusing to be taken to an ambulance as she stared wide eyed at the front door of The Mill. His mum had wrapped a comforting arm across her shoulders and was telling her that everything would be alright: they’d find Robert and bring him out and he’d be fine.

Aaron wanted to believe her. He so desperately wanted Robert to walk out of the house ready to soak up the praise from the entire village for his bravery. Aaron would probably smack him one for being so reckless and then probably kiss him to let him know how glad he was that he was alive and thank him for saving Liv. But he couldn’t allow himself to even imagine it because he just knew that wasn’t going to happen. Things didn’t work out like that for them.

It felt like an eternity standing outside the house waiting for any sign that they’d found Robert. It seemed like half the village was gathered, all eyes trained on the front door of The Mill.

And then there was movement. Two of the fire crew came stumbling out of the house. They were dragging someone along between them.

“No,” Aaron breathed out at the sight of the limp body as they carried it up the driveway and laid it flat on the ground. It was Robert. And before Aaron could even think, he was running forwards, falling to his knees beside him.

“Oh god. Robert,” he gasped as he looked him over.

Just like Liv, Robert’s face was covered in soot and ash, his hair full of it, obliterating the blond nearly completely. His clothes were scorched and Aaron could see the flesh of his left thigh was horribly burnt. Through the black covering Robert’s skin, Aaron could see bright red blood glistening on his face in the flashes from the emergency vehicles.

He was so still. It didn’t even look like he was breathing.

“Robert,” he cried, wanting to shake him to make him wake up, wanting to touch him to let him know that he was there, but not daring.

Then there were hands pulling him back and other people rushing forwards and surrounding Robert, shouting commands and blocking Aaron’s view.

“No! No!” He struggled against whoever was holding him, desperate to be near Robert.

“It’s alright, lad, let ‘em work,” Cain was murmuring in his ear, but Aaron wasn’t calmed by the words: he just wanted to go to Robert. He didn’t want him to be alone. He’d been alone for too long.

There was so much going on around Robert that Aaron couldn’t focus on one person or their actions. He tried desperately to understand what they were doing, what they were saying, but everything was a blur of movement and sound in his head. It was only when one of the paramedics produced one of those defibrillator machines that Aaron finally jolted back to clarity.

He could hear someone crying nearby and then his mum’s soothing words and he realised that Liv was one that was crying. Shaking free of Cain’s grip, he crossed the short distance between them and gathered his sister into his arms, all the while watching as the paramedics tried to restart Robert’s heart.

‘Please, Robert. Please don’t give up,’ he pleaded silently.

“He’s a fighter,” his mum was saying to Liv. “And he’s stubborn. When have you ever known him to give up on anything, eh?”

“He came in to get me,” Liv sobbed against Aaron’s chest. “And I’ve been so horrible to him.”

Aaron squeezed her more tightly. “He did that because he loves you.”

“I don’t want him to die. Not really. But I told him I’d be happy if he was dead,” she managed to say through her tears.

“He knows you didn’t mean it,” Aaron tried to reassure her as he rubbed her back.

The jolt of the defibrillator cracked through the air another time and then Aaron heard the call of one of the paramedics that they’d got a pulse. Aaron felt like his own heart had restarted at the words.

Everything happened so quickly after those painfully slow minutes. The paramedics loaded Robert, who had been wrapped in a silver blanket and had a mask placed over his face, onto a stretcher before they moved him into the ambulance. The doors slamming, hiding Robert inside, was what shook Aaron from his trance.

Carefully, he manoeuvred Liv towards a second ambulance, gesturing for Chas to follow them. Once the paramedics had confirmed that Liv was alright but they’d take her to the hospital to give her a proper check over, he left her in their care, with his mum to accompany her on the journey. Then he rushed back to Cain and asked him to take him to the hospital. He didn’t trust himself to drive because his hands were shaking so badly.

Cain didn’t ask him any questions on the journey and Aaron was glad. He didn’t think anyone else would ever understand how he felt about Robert. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated and encourages me to keep going. I’m not 100% decided where I’m going to take this story yet (which is so unlike me when I start writing!) so if you have anything you’d like to suggest, please feel free to share your thoughts - I might find a way to include them if they fit with my rough ideas.
> 
> I’m snarfettelove on tumblr.


	3. If this is to end in fire...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely feedback and encouragement. Sorry this chapter has taken me longer than usual to update - it’s been a hell of a week! 
> 
> Chapter title from Ed Sheeran, ‘I See Fire’.

It had been a long few days. Aaron wasn’t entirely sure how long he’d been at the hospital, but he knew he’d seen the shift changes of staff and the darkness of the intensive care unit as the lights were dimmed overnight more than once.

And still there had been no change.

Robert was lying as still as he had been when Aaron had finally been allowed in to see him once the doctors had finished working on him and the nurses had got him settled in his room.

The only sign of life was the steady rise and fall of his chest as the machine beside the bed pumped oxygen into his body. The tube disappearing down his throat looked frightful but Aaron knew that it was keeping Robert alive so he couldn’t argue with its presence. Robert’s windpipe and lungs had been badly damaged by the smoke he had been forced to inhale as he’d laid trapped in the house and the doctors had told Aaron that he needed help to breathe - for now. It didn’t help that Robert’s lung had been damaged previously by the gunshot wound so his lung capacity was already affected. Just something else that was trying to stop Robert coming back to him.

The smoke inhalation was one concern amongst a list of issues. There were superficial burns all over Robert’s body, which would heal completely eventually with the correct care, but it was the third degree burn on Robert’s thigh that was the biggest problem.

The doctors couldn’t be certain yet about how much damage had been done to Robert’s nerves but the burn was severe enough for them to already have mentioned surgery and rehabilitation, but all of these things were dependent upon if Robert woke up - ‘when Robert woke up,’ Aaron constantly reminded himself because he wasn’t going to accept that he might lose Robert like this.

The threat of infection loomed over Robert like a physical cloud, causing Aaron to be meticulous in sanitising his hands whenever he re-entered the room. Because even without being told, he knew that Robert wasn’t strong enough to fight off anything else. He was just about hanging on to his life, with the help of ghastly machines and beeping monitors and, Aaron hoped, his presence at his bedside trying to coax Robert back to him.

To say that Aaron wasn’t a man for words would be an understatement. He’d never been good at expressing himself or talking about his feelings, but somehow he’d found the ability within himself to talk to Robert in his current state. He wanted Robert to know that he was there with him, waiting for him to wake him, willing to support him through whatever happened.

He’d found himself quietly talking to Robert, hoping that the other man could hear him or at least sense his presence. He wasn’t constantly talking, even the best conversationalist would struggle to keep up a steady stream of chatter with a comatose person, but he tried his best. Sometimes he told Robert about the things he’d heard about the village from the various daily visitors; other times he urged Robert to wake up. He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice, keep himself from choking on his words as he spoke, but sometimes speaking to Robert, staring at his slack face hoping for some minute reaction, became too much.

No matter what Aaron said, or even if he begged, Robert was struggling to regain consciousness thanks to the head injury he’d received. No-one knew exactly what had happened inside The Mill after Robert had steered Liv towards the door, but the fire crew had described a large beam that had been lying close to where they’d found Robert, unconscious on the floor. It was believed that the collapsing structure had fallen on him and knocked him out.

Aaron vividly remembered the blood on Robert’s face as he’d lain prone on the cold ground as the paramedics worked on him and now he knew that it had been caused by a blow to the head that could be what stole him away forever. The injury had caused swelling on Robert’s brain: the doctors had used fancy terminology but Aaron had just wanted to know how bad it was, what did that mean? With sympathy in their eyes, they’d told him that Robert might not wake up and, if he did, he might not be the same.

But they didn’t know Robert. They didn’t know that he was stubborn and always fought for what he wanted and refused to give up even when things seemed hopeless. They didn’t know Robert: no-one knew him like Aaron did.

***

When he’d arrived at the hospital, barely managing to contain his fear of what might have happened to Robert in the back of that ambulance, he’d pelted through the doors of A&E with Cain close behind him and skidded to a stop in front of a desk, thinking to himself that this scenario was all too familiar in their lives.

“Robert Sugden,” he’d said frantically to the receptionist. “He was brought in by ambulance from a house fire.”

The woman had clicked away at her computer for a moment before eying him closely. “Can I ask your relationship to the patient?” she’d asked.

Without hesitation, Aaron had replied. The word falling easily from his lips, knowing it sounded right, even after so much time. “He’s my husband.” He could feel his uncle’s questioning gaze but he didn’t turn to look at him. He didn’t need to justify himself to anyone. He didn’t need to explain how he felt.

The woman had looked at him again, this time her face softening a little, before she’d directed him to a waiting room where a doctor would come to update him as soon as possible.

‘As soon as possible’ had seemed like days later. It had been a few hours of waiting and pacing and dreading the worst. But eventually a doctor had walked into the room with a somber expression on her face and updated them on Robert’s condition.

‘Lucky to be alive,’ she’d said. ‘Can’t make any guarantees at this point,’ she’d told him. ‘Doing everything we can,’ she’d promised.

The words had been hollow for Aaron. There had been no reassurance or comfort to be had in hearing them. The doctor couldn’t tell him when, or even if, Robert would wake up.

All he had wanted was to see Robert with his own eyes, to know that he hadn’t slipped away while Aaron wasn’t with him; to know that no matter what, Robert was still holding on to life.

The doctor had led Aaron to the room in the intensive care unit where Robert had been taken. She’d warned him about Robert’s condition and about the machines surrounding him, but nothing could really have prepared Aaron for seeing Robert lying in that bed.

He’d seen Robert hooked up to machines, lying still in a hospital bed before, but that time he hadn’t cared. He’d been furious with Robert at the time, even wished him dead. He hadn’t been married to Robert then. They hadn’t gone through everything they had then.

Walking into the room, seeing Robert so vulnerable, had been like a punch to the gut. It had stolen Aaron’s breath and he’d had to squeeze his eyes closed for a moment as he tried to calm his racing heart.

The pale skin mottled with bruises and scrapes and burns had been shocking to see. The stark white bandage obscuring much of Robert’s blond hair had been a reminder of how seriously he was hurt. The tube down his throat and the lines jumping across the screen on a machine beside the bed had filled him with fear. The knowledge that Robert was only alive because of those machines. The fact that that scribbly little line was tracking his heart beating and if it should straighten out...it hadn’t been worth thinking about.

Aaron had sucked in a deep breath to steady his nerve, swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat, and taken the steps into the room that would lead him to Robert’s bedside.

Robert’s skin was pale with a fine sheen of sweat visible on his forehead. The sheet had been pulled up across his chest which was slowly rising and falling with every movement of the machine alongside his bed.

Gazing down at him for a few moments, Aaron had hardly been able to believe he was looking at Robert, his Robert. Because that was who he still was. Even after everything that had happened, Robert was still his, still his husband, still Robert. But he’d looked broken in those moments. And Aaron had hardly been able to bear it. But, instead of giving up hope or breaking down, he’d made himself pull the chair up to the bed. He’d made himself sit down and take Robert’s hand in his own. He’d stroked his thumb across the back of Robert’s hand and drawn in another breath.

“Don’t leave me,” he’d whispered.

***

The hours had turned into days and Aaron was still waiting for some change in Robert’s condition. The doctors had said that the first forty-eight hours would be critical, but that time and come and gone and Robert had neither improved nor deteriorated.

There seemed to have been no change at all. Aaron was desperate to see some twitch of his hand or a flicker of his eyelids but there was nothing.

One of the doctors had said that Robert’s head injury might be preventing him from waking up, but she’d also said that it was up to Robert. They couldn’t do anything to force him to regain consciousness.

As Aaron sat beside the bed, he began to wonder if Robert felt like he had any reason to ever wake up. He’d been through a lot: he’d lost practically everything. Maybe he didn’t even want to recover from his current state. The thought of it caused Aaron’s heart to ache, his breathing to become ragged. What if this was it? What if Robert never woke up? What if he’d lost him forever? And he’d never even had the chance to tell him that he still loved him.

When his thoughts turned dark like that, he had to force himself to stay strong. He would squeeze Robert’s hand and then trail his fingers up to his wrist where, if he found just the right spot, he could feel Robert’s pulse steadily beating away, reminding him not to give up. Robert had never given up on him, not really. And Aaron wasn’t going to give up on Robert.

Aaron’s fingertips were resting against Robert’s wrist when there was a light knock on the door and it opened. His mum hovered in the doorway looking anxious.

“Hello, love,” she said quietly.

Aaron didn’t know why she was being quiet. Everyone that visited seemed to be like that. Like they were afraid that they’d disturb Robert. Like their voices would suddenly snap him out of his coma. Like he’d suddenly come back to life...Aaron shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts. He couldn’t allow himself to go down that route.

“Hey,” he grunted as she stepped a little closer.

One look from her son had her reaching for the hand sanitiser on the wall. “How is he today?” she asked.

Aaron shook his head slightly, eyes moving back to Robert’s peaceful face. “No change,” he sighed.

“Don’t you think you should go home for a bit,” Chas asked as she walked up to the foot of the bed.

Aaron sighed heavily again. “Don’t start,” he muttered. His mum had been going on at him about going ‘home’ every time she’d arrived at the hospital. The problem was ‘home’ wasn’t something that Aaron felt like he even had anymore: he hadn’t felt truly at home, even at The Mill, since Robert had been gone. And now the house they’d wanted to have as their home was ruined from the inside out. It was kind of symbolic really, he thought. Their ‘home’ had been destroyed in every possible way.

He knew his mum was happy to have him and Liv back at the pub; he knew they were welcome there. But it wasn’t home. Not anymore.

“I’m worried about you, love,” his mum continued. “You need to get some rest. And you should probably go back to the house to speak to someone about organising the repairs.”

He knew she was trying desperately to get him to focus on something other than Robert. She obviously couldn’t understand why he cared, why he was so adamant about staying with Robert.

“I can’t think about that right now,” he told her. He didn’t want to have this conversation.

He heard her sigh deeply in frustration before she tried a different tactic. “Liv’s outside.”

Looking up at her immediately, Aaron narrowed his eyes slightly. She knew that Liv was the only thing that had lured him away from Robert’s bedside, apart from the mad dashes back to the pub for a quick shower and change of clothes, since the fire.

“How’s she doing?” he asked.

“Still shaken up,” Chas replied. “She won’t come in, but she wanted to come to the hospital.”

Aaron glanced back at Robert’s face, briefly tightened his hold on Robert’s wrist, feeling the reassuring thump, thump against his fingertips, and then pushed himself up from his chair.

Liv had been given the all clear by the hospital and hadn’t needed to be admitted, but she was far from alright. While she had escaped without any physical injuries, she was clearly devastated by what had happened and the emotional damage was obvious.

As soon as she’d been allowed to leave, she’d rushed to find Aaron. They’d spent a long time just holding onto one another as they both shuddered at the reality of what could have happened. When Aaron had asked if she wanted to see Robert, Liv had vehemently shook her head. She couldn’t go in to see Robert, not when it was her fault that he was so badly hurt. As soon as the words had left her mouth, Aaron had denied them. He’d tried to tell her she was wrong but she couldn’t seem to accept it. She’d cried against his shoulder that she’d told Robert they’d all be better off if he just died and now it looked like she’d be getting what she wanted. Except she didn’t want that, not really.

She kept coming to the hospital with whoever was visiting, but she never actually entered Robert’s room. It was almost like she was afraid to step over the threshold.

Aaron found her sitting on one of the plastic chairs down the corridor. She looked like she’d had about as much sleep as he had over the last few days.

“Hey,” he said as he approached and took a seat next to her.

“Hi.” She forced a smile but it was obvious she was upset.

“You alright?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah. Just thought I’d come with Chas to see you. And check on Robert.”

Aaron nodded. “I’m ok. There’s no change with Robert.”

Liv drew in a shuddery breath, but didn’t speak.

“He’ll be alright, you know?” Aaron said as he nudged her slightly. “He’s too stubborn to give up. He just needs some time to get better.”

Liv’s eyes filled with tears. “It’s all my fault.”

“No,” Aaron said firmly. “It is not your fault. Did you start that fire? No. So it’s not your fault.”

“But he wouldn’t have been hurt if he hadn’t come to help me,” she said. “I just don’t understand why he did it. I was so awful to him and I said some really bad stuff to him...” She trailed off as tears spilled from her eyes. The guilt she felt was so apparent and Aaron didn’t know how to help her.

“He came to help you because he cares about you. He will have understood that you were angry and upset with him. He’ll have known you didn’t mean it. And no matter what anyone might think of him, there’s no way he would have left you in there. He made the choice to help you: he did it because he wanted to.”

“And now he might die because of me,” Liv cried.

Aaron shook his head. “No, he won’t.” He needed to make Liv believe it as much as he was trying to convince himself. “He’ll wake up soon, I know he will.”

Liv stared down at her hands twisted in her lap. She clearly wasn’t convinced by Aaron’s words.

“Do you want to see him?” Aaron knew it was pointless asking but he thought in some way it might help his sister.

“No,” she said immediately. “No, I’ll just wait here.”

They sat together for a while, not really saying a great deal, just finding comfort in each other’s presence. Eventually Chas reappeared clutching cups of tea from the cafe and the three of them sat together for a bit before Aaron became anxious about Robert being alone. He didn’t want Robert to wake up and find he was alone: he’d been alone for too long already.

After saying goodbye to his sister and his mum, he headed back to Robert’s room. He found Robert just as he’d left him. Still, quiet, his chest still rising and falling in time with the machines. He sat back in his chair and took Robert’s hand in his own again.

The bandages around Robert’s head had been removed the day before so the shaved patch of his hair was visible along with the cut that had been stitched at the side of his skull. Aaron absently wondered how Robert would react to having part of his hair shaved off in such a way and smiled slightly to himself. He wondered if telling Robert about it would make him suddenly wake up so he could inspect the damage for himself.

“I think it’s time for you to wake up, Rob,” he said quietly. “You’ve been lazing around in bed for long enough now.”

There was no response from Robert, but Aaron felt like talking.

“Vic came by earlier. I’m sure you heard her going on like she does. She’s really worried about you, you know. But she’s been here before, hasn’t she? She’s had to sit and wait for news on whether you’re going to be alright before.  
“And Liv...she was here just now. She didn’t come in to see you because she’s having a hard time dealing with things. She blames herself and you really need to wake up so you can tell her that she doesn’t need to. I don’t think she’ll take it from me.”

He sighed heavily and ran a hand across his weary face.

“Robert...I don’t know if you can hear me. I hope you can. You have to wake up soon. You have to come back to me because...I need you. This is not how things were supposed to end for us. You were supposed to be around until you were an old man. I know we’ve been apart for a long time, but...” he trailed off as he felt tears burning in his eyes. “I really thought that maybe we were going to have a chance to work it all out. I thought we were going to be okay. And now this has happened. I don’t want to lose you again, Robert. Please wake up. Come back to me.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you thought, please. Xx
> 
> I’m snarfettelove on tumblr.


	4. ...then we should all burn together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Ed Sheeran, 'I See Fire'.
> 
> This chapter is going to be from two different perspectives (I'm sure you can guess whose!) so I hope it doesn't get too confusing. Any blocks of text in italics are Robert's memories and I've quoted directly from Emmerdale so those lines obviously don't belong to me. 
> 
> Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter - it's made me get on with this one as quickly as I could.

“Robert? Robert!”

Someone was calling his name.

There was nothing but darkness around him, but a throbbing, fiery pain was assaulting him from all sides. He didn’t want to feel it anymore; he wanted to shut it all out, hide from everything that wanted to hurt him. So instead of listening to the voice, he let himself fade away to nothingness again. He let go and drifted.

***

The twitching of Robert’s fingers had been the first sign of any reaction at all from him in nearly a week and Aaron was almost convinced that he was imagining it. But he felt it again: Robert’s index finger moving slightly beneath his own hand.

“Robert?” he said desperately. “Robert!” he called, hoping to stir him from his current state. He watched as Robert’s eyes moved beneath his closed eyelids. His heart soared: this was it. Finally Robert was going to wake up and he would be on the road to recovery. And maybe then _they_ would be on the road to recovery too.

One of the nurses had come scurrying in after hearing him calling Robert’s name and she checked on the machines beside the bed as she observed the changes in Robert’s condition.

Aaron squeezed Robert’s hand. ‘Come on,’ he urged him in his mind. ‘Come back to me, Robert.’

After a few minutes, there were no more twitches of fingers: Robert’s hand was slack in his once more.

Sinking down into his chair, Aaron didn’t let go of Robert’s hand. He tried not to feel too disheartened by Robert’s inability to wake up.

‘It’s still early days,’ the nurse had told him kindly. ‘It’s a good sign that he’s had any reactions,’ she’d offered. ‘Don’t give up hope,’ she’d reminded him with a sympathetic smile.

***

“I never left you.”

“Mum?” Robert called into the darkness.

 

“ _She’d be heartbroken if she knew what you’d become_.”

“No,” he tried to shake his head but he didn’t think he could.

_“You’re a lunatic! Don’t come back.”_

_“You are a conniving, snivelling little cheat.”_

_“I wish I’d never met you.”_

_“I wanted you to die!”_

_“After what you did to Katie, and Chrissie, the countless lives you have ruined...you’re still the same twisted, pathetic little boy that you always were.”_

_“You should have done this world a favour and dropped dead!”_

“Stop,” Robert wanted to cry out, but no sound came from his mouth.

Everything hurt and the words kept coming. So many hurtful, painful things kept slashing against him, burning him from the inside out. He wanted to run away: he wanted to escape but they just kept coming and he was stuck, trapped where he was. It was like he was drowning in the darkness and the poison of the hatred that surrounded him. If this was what it meant to be alive, he didn’t want it.

“Robert? Can you hear me? _Please_ , Robert, wake up.” There was a voice calling to him again. He recognised it; he wanted to reach out for it and hold on to whoever it was that was calling his name, but he didn’t have the strength. And he was scared. What if he found himself trapped in a place where everything was pain and anger and disappointment all aimed at him? He wasn’t strong enough for that. He didn’t want that.

‘Leave me alone. _Please_ ,’ he thought desperately. The words repeating over and over as he blocked out the pain in his head, the words that seemed just like memories to him, and the desperate voice that kept calling his name.

***

Sighing heavily, Aaron tried his best not to cry. It was the second time that he’d allowed himself to believe that Robert was actually waking up, coming back to him, but for the second time, Robert hadn’t managed to regain consciousness. It was like something was stopping him from waking up and Aaron was struggling to keep the fear that he might never come back at bay.

“I think we should remove the ventilator,” Dr Marshall said as she observed Robert. She’d come rushing in, alerted by the sudden increase in the beeping emitted from the heart monitor attached to Robert.

Aaron’s eyes widened as he looked at her in shock. Surely they couldn’t take away the machine that was helping him to breathe. What were they thinking? “But...you can’t,” he said as he shook his head in fear.

“Please don’t panic,” she said kindly. “It’s a step in the right direction. Robert doesn’t need the ventilator to help him breathe anymore. His lungs have recovered enough and he can breathe on his own now. I know it’s hard to stay positive, but he is showing signs of regaining consciousness.”

Aaron nodded in understanding and then looked back at Robert’s face. It would be a relief to see him without the awful tube down his throat and maybe if they took it away it would somehow help Robert to wake up again. He knew he was grasping at straws but he didn’t know how many times he could get his hopes up only to have them dashed when Robert still couldn’t seem to come back.

***

_“I killed her.”_

_“You might as well top yourself now.”_

_“You’re nothing to me.”_

_“Do you know how bitter you sound?”_

_“You’re a joke: you still are.”_

_“I killed the bitch!”_

 

Robert’s mind was racing with a jumbled mess of sound and words and flashes of memories that didn’t make any sense. He was confused. He couldn’t understand the things he was seeing; the things he was hearing. He could see so many angry faces, so many people furious with him for so many different things. He couldn’t hear what they were saying to him anymore; their voices had been drowned out by another set of words. But Robert couldn’t believe that the terrible things were being said in his own voice. Was he really that person? Was he responsible for so much pain and suffering? Had he really hurt so many people that he was supposed to care for?

“No...no,” Robert moaned. He tried to shake his head, he knew he couldn’t move far - he remembered from the last time he’d been in this dark place. But now he found he could actually move a little more. The feeling left him dizzy, even in the darkness, his head pounding mercilessly.

There was a voice calling him again. There always seemed to be someone calling his name.

“Robert? Wake up. Come on. You can do this. You have to wake up. I need you to come back.”

“No,” Robert forced out again. ‘No-one needs me,’ he thought to himself. ‘I can’t go back. I can’t go back. I won’t go back.’

“Robert, please.” The voice sounded so desperate, but he didn’t understand why. Why would anyone care? Why would anyone want him to go back?

He could feel something, some pressure against his hand, something else to focus on apart from the pain of everywhere else in his body and the throbbing in his head. For a moment, he found some peace. He wanted to hold on to the feeling but suddenly he heard his own voice in his head again.

“Falling in love with you ruined everything.”

In his mind, he shrank away from the feeling of warmth he’d momentarily felt. He didn’t deserve that kindness, so he let go again.

***

When Robert had stirred from his unconscious state, Aaron had been determined that this time he’d make him wake up. He’d watched as Robert moaned and scrunched his face up, looking like he was suffering, in pain.

He’d practically begged Robert to wake up and he’d thought it was working. When he’d squeezed Robert’s hand and called his name, he’d felt something. A tiny reaction from Robert, almost like his husband had relaxed and was responding to him. And then as quickly as his hopes had risen, they’d collapsed again as Robert’s whole body seemed to slump somehow and any sign of movement immediately ceased.

Aaron hadn’t been able to stop a few tears from rolling down his cheeks. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. He was exhausted and desperate and beginning to despair. As much as he wanted to be strong, to be there for Robert, he didn’t know if he could. Every time that he thought things were going to be alright, he was left heartbroken all over again.

Vic had been to the hospital every day. She’d obviously been devastated by her brother’s condition and feared the worst. But, as the days had gone by and Robert had painfully slowly started to show signs of improvement, she’d become endlessly optimistic, going on about how Robert was tough and how he’d soon be back on his feet. At first Aaron had taken comfort from her words and even believed her, but as the days slipped by and Robert seemed no closer to recovery, it was becoming harder and harder to keep hoping that at any moment Robert would wake up.

***

The high-pitched beeping seemed to pierce through his skull. It hurt. His body ached horribly. The pain was pulsing through his head: he felt like someone was trying to crush his brain. His throat was so sore: he felt like he hadn’t had a drink for months.

Forcing his eyes open a crack, his eyelids fluttering, he immediately squeezed them closed again. Everything had been so bright. The lights had felt like they were burning his eyes.

There were people calling to him again. They seemed so insistent. And everything was so _loud_. Someone was holding his hand too and that feeling seemed to ground him somehow.

“Robert, can you try to open your eyes again?”

It seemed like an awful effort, but he forced himself to try. Why did his eyelids feel so heavy? Why did his head hurt so much? Why did all of these people keep telling him what to do? Why did they even care?

His eyes gradually opened and he squinted as the light blinded him again. There was a woman leaning over him slightly. She was dressed in a blouse and was shining a light at him. She must be a doctor, his mind managed to inform him. He struggled to hold his eyes open, but he wanted to know what was happening and what had happened to him to leave him in a hospital bed.

“Robert? I’m Dr Marshall. Can you hear me?”

He tried to tell her that he could, but nothing came out of his mouth but a soft grunt.

He managed to move his eyes to scan the room. The doctor was still beside the bed and there was a woman that Robert assumed was a nurse fiddling with something near the top of his bed. His eyes slowly moved away from her and landed on a man that was sitting beside the bed. He was staring at Robert with wide blue eyes that looked like they were full of tears. The intensity of his gaze made Robert feel odd, like he was missing something, but he was too exhausted and in too much pain to figure out what that was.

He blinked slowly at the man a few times. The man looked like he was about to speak, but Robert couldn’t focus on him. He turned his eyes back to the ceiling. He was struggling to hold his eyes open. Everything was a painful blur in his head and he didn’t want to be awake anymore.

“Robert?” He heard his name called gently, but with a hint of desperation, from the side and rolled his head back towards the man beside the bed. Their eyes met for a moment and then Robert let his eyes fall closed again.

***

Aaron just stared at Robert’s resting face. The elation of witnessing Robert finally regain consciousness was diluted by the lack of recognition that Robert had shown when he’d looked at Aaron. It was like he didn’t even know who he was. It was like he’d looked straight through Aaron as though he was nothing to him.

The doctors had warned him. They’d said that Robert might not be the same when he woke up. They’d said he might suffer from amnesia. But Aaron had never believed it. Not really. He’d thought that as long as Robert did wake up, everything would be okay.

“This is great progress,” Dr Marshall announced as Aaron continued to stare at Robert.

Tearing his eyes away from Robert, he looked at her in disbelief. “He didn’t know who I was.”

She looked a little confused by that. “It’s early days, Aaron. We don’t know anything for sure yet. It’s natural for him to be confused when he first regains consciousness. We don’t know if Robert will suffer any long term brain damage from his injuries.”

Aaron shook his head rapidly, tears leaking from his eyes. “No, I know him. He didn’t recognise me. He didn’t know who I was.” He knew it was true, no matter what she said. He knew Robert better than anyone; he knew how Robert looked at him. Robert’s eyes had told him everything he needed to know - Robert didn’t remember him.

He pushed himself up from his chair, gave Robert one last look and felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest, and then he grabbed his coat from the back of his chair before he hurried out of the room, roughly scrubbing the tears from his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated, please. 
> 
> I'm snarfettelove on tumblr.


	5. Just Because It Burns, Doesn't Mean You're Gonna Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'Try' by Pink.
> 
> Thank you again for all the lovely feedback and encouragement - you're the best!

“Mum?”  
  
Robert could see a figure ahead of him. He didn’t know for sure who it was, but the last thing he could remember was his mum being there with him, talking to him gently, reaching out to him. The room, if it even was a room, was full of smoke and he could hardly make anything out, but there was definitely someone with him.  
  
Suddenly, his mind flashed back to his mum - trapped, screaming. She wasn’t calling soft words to him anymore. She was screaming: she was dying.  
  
And Robert was screaming too. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want his Mum to die. Suddenly there were flames everywhere, licking at his skin, burning him. And his mum had disappeared.  
  
“Mum!” he yelled. He tried to run into the darkness, tried to see where she had gone and where he should go to escape, but there was fire everywhere and no sign of anyone else in the building. It was just him. Trapped. Dying. Being burnt alive. He screamed again.  
  
“Sshh, Rob. It’s okay,” a soft voice was saying quietly from somewhere close by.  
  
He felt a gentle hand stroking his shoulder, smoothing over his hair. He was safe. His mum was there to look after him after his nightmare. He forced his eyes open and looked up into the kind eyes that were gazing down at him.  
  
“Mum?” he croaked. His voice was still weak, his throat wrecked and painful. He’d heard the doctor saying something about smoke and damage but he couldn’t remember what she’d been talking about.  
  
The woman leaning over him frowned and took a step back, away from the bed, her hand falling from Robert’s head.  
  
Robert looked up at her in confusion. She wasn’t his mum but he knew her face.  
  
“Vic?” he managed to ask. This didn’t make any sense. Why did his little sister look so grown up? “Wha’ happened?”  
  
Vic swallowed thickly and smiled a tight smile at him. “You were hurt. There was a fire at The Mill and you were injured. It was bad and...we were scared you might not wake up.” She drew in a deep breath. “You had a nasty blow to the head so you might be feeling a bit confused.”  
  
‘Confused’ didn’t even begin to cover it but Robert couldn’t get his mind to settle on one thing for long enough to straighten out the muddle in his head. For starters, he couldn’t understand why his sister looked like a grown woman.  
  
“Where’s Mum?” he asked eventually. Why did speaking take so much effort? Why was it so hard to string a few words together?  
  
Victoria gasped softly and lifted a shaking hand to her mouth. “Oh, Rob,” she whispered.  
  
“She was there...with me,” Robert managed to say. “She’s not...hurt...is she?”  
  
There were tears in Vic’s eyes and Robert could feel his heart thudding in his chest. Something was wrong.  
  
“Robert, Mum...she wasn’t with you. She can’t have been.” She shook her head slightly and wiped a finger under her eye.  
  
‘Well, that’s wrong for a start,’ his mind told him. He might be feeling confused and like his thoughts had been shaken up and put back into his head in the wrong places, but he knew that his mum had been with him. He remembered her talking to him. He’d been scared. He’d thought he was about to die, he couldn’t remember why or what had happened, but he’d accepted it. And his mum had definitely been with him.  
  
“There are some things you’ve forgotten. I’m sorry, Rob. Mum died...years ago.”  
  
Robert shook his head, or tried to. He couldn’t move much but he wanted to deny what he was hearing. It didn’t make any sense.  
  
“No...that...that doesn’t make sense,” he said out loud. There was something in his mind telling him that she was right, that he was muddled up somehow, but he also didn’t want her to be right. If Vic was telling the truth then his mum was dead and he really, really wanted her to be there with him.  
  
“I’m sorry, Rob,” she repeated. She took his hand and squeezed it and something jolted through Robert, some familiar feeling that he craved, some feeling of safety and love. Maybe it was something to do with his mum, but that couldn’t be right if Vic was telling him the truth. His head had already been aching when he’d woken up but now it was positively pounding. Everything was so mixed up in his mind and he just couldn’t focus his thoughts.  
  
“I feel dizzy,” he mumbled. “My head...it hurts.”  
  
“It’s alright,” Vic soothed him. “I’ll go and ask the doctor if you can have something for your head.”  
  
She turned to leave but Robert quietly called her name.  
  
“Is Mum really...dead?” he asked.  
  
Vic gave him a sad smile and nodded.  
  
Robert closed his eyes and tried to block out everything around him. The bright lights of the room, the sounds of the machines and hustle and bustle of the hospital, and the knowledge that his mother was gone and he couldn’t even remember why.  
  
***  
Aaron bumped into Vic as she came out of Robert’s room, wiping her eyes. Immediately, he feared the worst. “Vic? Is he alright? What’s happened?” He frantically peered around her and into the room, seeing Robert lying in his bed, eyes tightly closed.  
  
Vic beckoned him away from the door once he’d satisfied himself that Robert hadn’t taken a turn for the worse. “He’s...well, I’m not going to say he’s okay. He’s really not,” she started. “He’s so confused and it’s like he’s forgotten everything. He knew who I was but he looked like he didn’t really recognise me.” She choked back a little sob and Aaron reached out to rub her arm. “And...” she hiccuped, “he asked where Mum was. He didn’t even know that she’s dead. He kept saying she was there with him.” Victoria finally released a sob and collapsed against Aaron as he pulled her into a hug.  
  
The thought of Robert being so lost and confused was heart-breaking. And Aaron wasn’t much for believing in the afterlife or spirits or anything like that, but hearing that Robert was convinced he’d seen his mother sent a shiver up his spine. Was that because he’d been so close to death? Was it because his heart had actually stopped? Had he been moments from following his mother and never coming back? He shuddered and pushed the thought away.  
  
“Where’ve you been?” Vic said as he pulled back and wiped at her face. She was obviously trying to be strong again and change the subject (slightly).  
  
Aaron sighed and looked down at his feet. He felt guilty for leaving when Robert had regained consciousness. He’d ran out of the room feeling everything crushing down on him, needing some air so he could clear his head and tackle what was happening. He’d felt his heart cracking when he’d realised that Robert didn’t even know who he was. But as he’d wandered around outside the hospital (he hadn’t left the site: he couldn’t actually leave Robert completely) he’d realised that he needed to be strong. He needed to face whatever was going to happen and support Robert in any way that he could. If Robert didn’t know him, if he never remembered him, that didn’t mean that Aaron couldn’t help him. If Robert never remembered that he’d loved Aaron once, that didn’t mean that Aaron wouldn’t still love _him_. And, he’d reminded himself, no-one had said that Robert’s amnesia was permanent. He might make a full recovery. Either way, he was committed to being there for him.  
  
“I panicked a bit. I needed some air and a chance to think,” he admitted.  
  
“It’s alright,” Vic told him gently. “It’s been a hell of a week and having him finally wake up and not...well, not be himself...it’s hard.”  
  
Aaron nodded in agreement. He couldn’t put into words how awful it had felt to have Robert look at him with no recognition, no spark in his eyes. But it wasn’t about how he felt; he needed to support Robert now. And he intended to. No matter what.  
  
Looking back towards Robert’s room, Aaron took a deep breath. “I might just go and...” he gestured to the room. “You know, sit with him for a bit.”  
  
Vic smiled slightly at him and nodded. “Of course. He’d got a headache so I was just going to fetch the nurse, but I’m sure he won’t mind you going in.”  
  
He swallowed thickly and quietly wandered into the room. He wasn’t sure how to handle this situation. How was he supposed to speak to Robert when Robert had no idea who he was? How was he supposed to hold a conversation that would be so unfairly one-sided, when he knew everything about the man lying in the bed, and Robert would think he was a complete stranger?  
  
Stopping after a few steps, almost at the bedside, he gazed down at Robert. It looked like he’d fallen asleep, which wasn’t all that surprising seeing as he’d been through a terrible ordeal and still had a long road to recovery ahead of him. His body, and his mind, needed time to heal.  
  
He closed the distance and carefully sat down in the seat beside the bed: he didn’t want to disturb Robert in any way. Mostly because he knew he needed the rest, but partly because he wasn’t sure what he’d say to him if Robert actually woke up.  
  
He just took a moment to look at Robert. He didn’t really seem to be any different to how he was before the fire. Obviously there were a few scrapes and minor burns littering his skin, and there was the stitched up cut that ran along the side of his head, startlingly visible where his hair had been shaved but, apart from those things, Robert looked just the same as always. It was impossible to tell that he had forgotten everything that had mattered to him in his adult life. The doctors were trying to be positive. They kept saying that the amnesia might not be permanent and Robert needed some time to heal but it was so hard to even consider the alternative. Aaron might have lost him completely this time and there might be nothing he could do to change that. And worst of all, Robert wouldn’t even be aware of what he’d lost.  
  
Settling back in the chair, he just watched Robert sleeping for a while. ‘One day at a time,’ he thought to himself. ‘Stay strong.’  
***  
_“You don’t know what love is!”  
  
“Get out of my life.”  
  
“You make all these pathetic promises but you get off on breaking them, don’t you?”  
  
“I wanted you to make him happy.”  
  
“I’ll always love you, but this...I hate this.”_  
  
Robert didn’t want to remember. His mind was churning with all of the words and the anger and the hurt. Someone was crying. The person was so sad, so broken, and Robert wanted to stop the pain that was causing such misery. The person was just a blur in his mind’s eye but he tried to reach out for whoever it was to pull them close and comfort them. However much he tried, he couldn’t get any closer. The mysterious figure kept sobbing and Robert couldn’t help. Suddenly the person started moving away from him, further and further out of reach. He shook his head.  
  
“No,” he forced out. “ _Please_...stop.”  
  
But still the figure moved away. Just as Robert was about to scream, the person seemed to hesitate. It looked like they were going to turn back for Robert. But then they faded completely and Robert was left reaching out for nothing, grasping at thin air.  
  
Blearily, he managed to open his eyes. It still felt like a massive effort and some part of his brain reminded him that he’d been in some sort of accident so he was supposed to be feeling like that.  
  
He slowly moved his eyes from the ceiling to look to the side and immediately locked eyes with a man with blue eyes, who was sitting next to his bed staring at him with slightly wide eyes and an anxious expression on his face. Robert just stared at him, wondering who he was and why he was sitting there. He hadn’t quite found the energy to form words yet after waking up, and his brain was still full of swirling words and half-snatched thoughts, so he couldn’t formulate anything to say, so he just waited for the stranger to speak.  
  
It appeared that the man wasn’t very good at conversation because he didn’t say anything for a long time. He just stared at Robert as though he was lost in thought. His mouth opened slightly a few times, almost like he was about to speak, but no words came out.  
  
Eventually, he said, “Hi.”  
  
It should have been odd. Robert should have wondered why on Earth such a strange person was sitting beside his bed, staring at him and only managing to offer the most basic of greetings, but Robert found that he really didn’t mind. There was something reassuring about this man’s presence that Robert couldn’t put his finger on; he just knew he wanted him to stay.  
  
“Hi,” he echoed in response. He was actually quite glad that the man wasn’t firing questions at him and trying to fill him in on loads of stuff that he’d probably just forget anyway, because his head was still pounding and muddled and he didn’t even know what was going on.  
  
“How are you?” the man asked simply.  
  
Robert considered the question. It was hard to say really, seeing as he had no idea what had happened or how badly he was hurt or what he’d felt like before this had happened so he had no reference. “I’m...alright,” he offered after a moment of thinking. On top of everything else, his words just wouldn’t come to him like he wanted them too. He was beginning to feel frustrated at his inability to think straight or even talk like he thought he should be able to. “Head still feels...weird.”  
  
The man nodded once in understanding. “D’you want me to get you anything? Do you need a nurse?”  
  
Robert shook his head slightly, feeling a little woozy at the sensation. “No...I’m alright.”  
  
They continued to look at one another for a while. Robert couldn’t help but think there was something almost familiar about the man. He didn’t think he’d ever met him before but seeing as he’d apparently forgotten everything about his life that wasn’t exactly surprising.  
  
“Who are you?” he suddenly asked. He didn’t want to seem rude but he had this insistent desire to know.  
  
The man flinched at the question and Robert felt guilty. He hoped he hadn’t offended him: surely that reaction meant he was supposed to know who the man was. Was he a friend? Or maybe Vic’s boyfriend?  
  
“Sorry,” he muttered. “I’m not...I can’t remember...stuff. Anything, really.” There was a burning sensation behind his eyes all of a sudden and he cursed himself for getting upset over this mess. That was all he needed.  
  
“Hey,” the man said as he leant forward. “It’s okay. You’ll be alright.” As he’d spoken, he’d taken hold of Robert’s hand and was squeezing slightly.  
  
The sensation felt so familiar to Robert. He almost gasped with the rush of feeling that flowed through him. “You were here...before.”  
  
The man smiled a little and nodded. “I’m Aaron,” he said. “I was here when you first woke up.”  
  
But there was more to it than that: Robert could feel it. He heard the man’s name over and over in his head. _Aaron, Aaron, Aaron_. He felt something stirring in the back of his mind. “No,” he said. “You were...you were here...before that.”  
  
The man’s, _Aaron’s_ , eyes widened a little and he nodded again. “I’ve been here since you were first brought in.”  
  
But it still wasn’t quite what Robert’s muddled brain was aiming for. He had the strangest sensation rushing through his head: his thoughts were moving at such a pace, falling over one another as they scrambled about, that he couldn’t grab hold of anything at all, but the feeling of knowing Aaron, or at least his presence, was almost overwhelming.  
  
“ _No_ ,” he said again, feeling frustrated at his lack of ability to explain, or even think properly for that matter. “I can’t...I can’t _explain_...you were here.” He knew he was getting worked up over something silly, but the sheer frustration and the chaos in his head was making him agitated.  
  
“Robert, it’s alright,” Aaron told him gently. “You’re right: I was here. I’ve been with you the whole time. And before that.” He added the last part quietly, almost like he didn’t want Robert to hear, but he _did_ hear it and it calmed him somehow.  
  
“Are you going...to stay?” Robert asked. He knew he sounded childish, like he was afraid to be left alone, but the truth was he _was_ afraid, and Aaron somehow made him feel better, even though he didn’t know who he was, not really.  
  
He watched as Aaron’s eyes became a little glassy and he blinked rapidly before he smiled a watery smile at him. “I’m not leaving you.”  
  
Something blurry flashed through Robert’s mind. Like a wisp of smoke that he wanted to grab hold of because it seemed important, but before he could seize it, it slipped away from him again.  
  
Exhaustion suddenly hit him. Yet another thing to feel frustrated about. How was he ever supposed to remember everything and sort his head out if he was always asleep? He fought against it for a few minutes, but trying to keep his eyes open just made his headache worse.  
  
“Get some rest, Robert. It’ll be alright.” He heard the words as his eyelids fell closed and he desperately wanted Aaron to be right.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm snarfettelove on tumblr - feel free to come and say hi!
> 
> Feedback gives me motivation - hint, hint!


	6. We Are Burning in the Fire - This Love Will Never Tire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Papa Roach, 'The Fire'.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the feedback again! I know I always do this but it really means a lot to me. And guess what...all that feedback encouraged me to get this chapter posted earlier than planned! 
> 
> More angst ahead!

_“It’s what we are, Robert. We’re a joke!”_ _  
  
“It’s us - smashed to bits! And you did that! You!”  
  
“I’m done, Robert.”  
  
“I just can’t do it anymore. And d’you know what? Why should I?”  
  
“It’s not worth it. None of this is worth it.”_  
  
“No,” Robert begged. He was desperate. He’d never felt anything like it: like everything that mattered in his world was being ripped away from him and no matter how tightly he wanted to hold on, it was slipping through his fingers.  
  
Someone was talking. He could hear their words but not see their face. He felt like it was supposed to be a two-sided conversation but he couldn’t seem to penetrate the smoke that clouded his vision, surrounded him, and choked his words. All he could hear was the words of someone who was so desperately sad, someone whose heart sounded like it was breaking, even as they said the words to him.  
  
“ _No_ ,” he pleaded again. “ _Please_. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”  
  
But it didn’t help. Whoever was saying the words didn’t hear him or didn’t listen. The voice was rough and Robert could feel pain. It wasn’t just the other person’s pain: it was his too. His own heart was breaking in a reflection of what was happening to the owner of the voice.  
  
It hurt so much. It burned him from the inside out. He was burning alive with it and he couldn’t stop it. He had caused this. Whoever was concealed by the smoke in his mind was in pain because of him. What sort of person was he? How could he cause so much hurt and despair?  
  
Gasping awake, he looked around the room, immediately searching for something, or maybe someone: he wasn’t sure.  
  
It took a moment for things to become clear and for him to shake the pain of his dream, or was it a memory, away. Breathing deeply, he allowed his brain to register what he knew: hospital, some sort of accident, hurt, Mum’s gone.  
  
As soon as he felt like he had organised his thoughts a little, he looked around the room again. There was no-one there and just as he felt some terrible fear begin to build within him, his sister wandered back through the door clutching a plastic cup of some hot drink.  
  
Robert sagged in his bed, feeling such relief at seeing her. He wasn’t alone: he hadn’t been abandoned.  
  
“Oh, you’re awake,” Vic said as she approached. “I just popped to get a coffee.”  
  
Blinking at her slowly a few times, Robert made his mind remember what he’d been told and what he’d realised after he’d regained consciousness: Vic is older, I’ve forgotten things, Mum’s gone.  
  
It was like he needed to repeat those things in his head to make them stick. Every time he woke up, he felt like he started from square one again, and it was so frustrating. At least he was getting quicker at recalling things now.  
  
“Where’s that man?” he asked eventually as Vic sat herself down in the chair next to the bed.  
  
“What man?”  
  
“The one with the blue eyes.” Robert paused for the tiniest moment and the name came to him immediately. “Aaron,” he said confidently. “He was here. Before. When I woke up. I liked him.”  
  
He wondered why his sister was grinning into her drink as she sipped at it.  
  
“What?” he asked slightly grumpily.  
  
“Nothing,” she said airily. “It’s just nice to know my brother is still the same despite everything.”  
  
She gave him a bright smile and Robert attempted a scowl at her, but he didn’t think he was particularly successful, or maybe he just looked too pitiful to pull off an irritated expression. Either way, she just grinned at him like she knew some big secret, which Robert supposed was kind of true seeing as she knew everything and he remembered nothing.  
  
“He’s just gone home for a shower. He’ll be back later,” Victoria told him and for a moment Robert wondered what she was on about. His mind seemed to wander off on all sorts of tangents at the moment and he was still struggling to focus on one thing at a time.  
  
His confusion must have shown on his face because Vic smiled gently at him and stroked his arm. “Aaron,” she reminded him.  
  
“Oh, yeah,” he replied. “So, he’ll be coming back?”  
  
“Yes,” Vic smiled again. “He’ll be back soon.”  
  
Some rather warm feeling rushed through Robert at her confirmation and he smiled to himself. He liked Aaron.

  
***

  
Aaron had rushed through his shower and wolfed down a plate of pie and chips at the pub, much to his mum’s dismay, and raced back to the hospital. He didn’t want to be away for too long, not after yesterday when he’d finally spoken to Robert for the first time in what felt like years. And even though Robert didn’t remember him, he couldn’t help but feel like some part of them was still connected, whether Robert knew it or not.  
  
There was no denying the pull between them. They were like magnets, always seeking to draw the other one closer. And even though Robert couldn’t remember what they’d shared, somewhere deep inside, Aaron was convinced that his soul knew. His brain maybe couldn’t recall their shared memories, but his heart remembered their love.  
  
It wasn’t like Robert would be alone; Vic had reassured him that she would staying, but he wanted to be there. He was going to stand by Robert now, be the strong one for both of them, and wait patiently for him to come back to him one way or another.  
  
He’d only been gone for a few hours, but when he returned to the hospital, walking briskly towards Robert’s room, he immediately knew that something had happened. Vic was standing outside the room chewing on her nails in agitation as Aaron walked up to her.  
  
“Vic? What’s happened? Is Robert alright?” he asked immediately.  
  
She shook her head a little, looking at him sadly. “He woke up while you were gone and he seemed fine. He was even asking about you.” She managed a weak smile at him. “And then he fell asleep again but he seemed like he was having a nightmare. He was so distressed when he woke up again. He kept saying his leg was hurting where he got burned and he tried to rip his bandages off. He must have seen that his leg was burnt because he just broke down. It was awful.” She trailed off and looked at Aaron with watery eyes. “He was sobbing, saying all these horrible things about how he deserved it and he was a terrible person, and no-one could calm him down. The doctor was worried that he’d hurt himself because he was so agitated so they gave him a sedative to settle him. They’re just in with him now, checking his dressings and making him comfortable.”  
  
Aaron swallowed thickly and forced himself not to panic. He should’ve known that things were never going to be simple for them. Robert wasn’t just going to wake up and suddenly everything would be okay, he’d remember everything, and he’d be back on his feet within a few days. No, he had to be realistic. His quiet, warm moment with Robert yesterday, when Robert had seemed so pleased to have him near despite not even knowing who he was, had been a cruel trick. That wasn’t reality - at least not yet. He knew he needed to accept that and prepare for the long road ahead.  
  
He pulled Vic into a tight hug. “Why don’t you go home and get some rest? You’ve been here for ages.”  
  
“I can’t just leave him,” Vic sniffled against his chest. “He needs me. He looked so scared.”  
  
Pushing her away gently so he could see her face, he tried to give her a reassuring smile. “If he’s been given a sedative, he’ll be out for a while now. Go home, get some sleep and then you can come back tonight.”  
  
Vic looked like she was going to argue again, but Aaron stopped her before she even started. “I’ll be here if he wakes up. And I’ll ring you if there’s anything to report.”  
  
Eventually, Vic agreed and collected her belongings so she could leave. She glanced back towards Robert’s room a few more times, anxiously chewing on her lower lip as she headed down the corridor and disappeared.  
  
Aaron drew in a deep breath to steady his nerves. He could do this. He could support Robert through this.  
  
Walking into Robert’s room, he found a nurse just finishing covering him up with a blanket. She smiled at him and then left the room, leaving Aaron alone with Robert.  
  
Sighing softly, Aaron wandered over to the chair that he’d become rather familiar with, and sat down. He looked at Robert’s sleeping face, pleased that, for now at least, Robert was resting comfortably and not suffering.

  
***

When Robert started to show signs of waking up a few hours later, Aaron was prepared for something awful. From what Vic had told him, he was expecting Robert to be distressed or frightened, but he wasn’t expecting Robert to wake up slowly and just stare at the ceiling.  
  
He waited a few minutes, wondering if Robert was just confused or trying to focus on what was going on, but there seemed to be no reaction from Robert at all.  
  
“Robert?” he said quietly, not wanting to startle him.  
  
Slowly, Robert turned his head towards him, but his eyes were dull and he didn’t even seem interested in Aaron’s presence.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Aaron asked once he had his attention.  
  
“My leg hurts,” Robert stated simply. “I was burnt in a fire.”  
  
Aaron sucked in a sharp breath. He wasn’t sure if Robert had remembered what had happened or if he’d been told. And he didn’t know if it was a good thing that Robert knew what had happened. Based on his reactions so far, he didn’t think it was. “I know,” he said gently. “Do you need me to get the nurse so you can get some pain relief?”  
  
Robert shook his head slightly. “No,” he muttered. “I don’t want any. I deserve this.”  
  
Aaron’s mouth fell open in shock. He hadn’t been expecting that. “Robert...” he gasped. “What are you talking about? You don’t deserve to be in pain.”  
  
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” Robert mumbled and he turned his face towards his pillow, away from Aaron.  
  
Lost for words, Aaron didn’t know what to do. He sat there for a long time, just staring at the side of Robert’s head. He blinked back tears as his eyes burned with them. How could Robert think he deserved what had happened to him?  
  
Robert was silent. He didn’t move: he didn’t look in Aaron’s direction again. But Aaron wasn’t going to leave. He was going to be strong and help him in any way he could.  
  
“I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk,” he said quietly.  
  
Robert didn’t respond.

  
***

 

_“You’ve let me down, over and over again.”_

_“The thought of you, and kissing you, it makes me want to throw up.”_

_“I’ve been to hell and back because of you.”_

_“You let me live with that guilt and all along it was you.”_

_“Do you know what? Get in your car and put your foot down. Drive.”_

Robert didn’t try to fight anymore. The words, the anger and pain, in his head were just too much. And what was the point in trying to deny any of it?

At first, he’d thought that he was having nightmares, but as the overwhelming feeling of despair and anger and fire continued in his head every time he could manage to _think_ , he had become convinced that the words were not merely bad dreams concocted by his muddled brain: they were reality.

And what did that make him? He knew what it meant. He knew that if all the things that were in his head were actually memories, then he was an awful, terrible, wicked person. If there had been any denying it, surely he’d have been able to remember something good. One tiny positive memory would have been enough, but there was nothing. Nothing but anguish and suffering and _fire_.  

As he slowly woke up, he became aware of the pulsating pain in his thigh. And he welcomed it. That was part of his punishment, surely. He must have caused what had happened and he must deserve this terrible pain that he now felt. His leg burned to remind him of what he was and what he deserved.

“Morning, Robert,” a gruff voice spoke from somewhere nearby. The voice sounded familiar and it also sounded tired.

Robert rolled his head to the side and felt surprise at the sight of the man with the blue eyes – _Aaron_ , his mind kept yelling at him insistently for some reason, like it was important - sitting next to his bed. Why was he there? Hadn’t he been there the day before? Why was he still there?

The surprise didn’t last long. It faded away, drowned out by the words he remembered.

“How’re you feeling this morning?” Aaron asked as he watched Robert closely.

Robert stared at him, trying to work it out. He didn’t deserve anyone to be interested in him. He certainly didn’t deserve to have someone waiting by his bed. Why would Aaron even bother? From what Robert could remember, he certainly didn’t deserve someone like Aaron.

“My leg hurts,” he grunted. It was strange; he felt like he’d had this conversation before.

Aaron sighed heavily and Robert almost wanted to flinch away from it. He wanted to curl up and be alone. Aaron would get fed up of him soon; he’d realise that Robert was a terrible person, someone who wasn’t worth his time and didn’t deserve him.

“Rob…is it still the same?” Aaron asked and he sounded so tired.

Robert knew he was being selfish and suddenly he had a flash of something like a memory – it was Aaron’s face, contorted with tears and pain as Robert spoke to him, and then it was gone, like it had never been there. _Just leave me,_ he thought.

“Please…just…talk to me,” Aaron said. “I want to help you.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Robert muttered.

“ _What_?” Aaron asked, and he sounded surprised and desperate all at once. “Robert, what do you mean?”

But Robert didn’t want to talk to him. If he spoke to Aaron, it would only make him feel…something. He didn’t know what, but he was convinced that he wouldn’t deserve it.

He turned his head back so that he could stare at the ceiling. Then he closed his eyes and shut everything out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please let me know what you thought. 
> 
> I'm snarfettelove on tumblr.


	7. Feels Like Fire: I’m So In Love With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Frankie Goes To Hollywood, 'The Power of Love', because it's nearly Christmas!
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely feedback again. To say thank you properly, here's an early update!

“It’s normal for patients that have suffered trauma like Robert to experience mood swings,” Dr Kahn told him.  
  
Aaron ran a hand over his face in frustration. He’d asked to have a chat with the doctor that had been treating Robert since he’d been moved out of the intensive care unit. He wanted some answers about why Robert had turned inwards so completely, why he seemed so resigned to the pain he was feeling, why his reaction to what had happened was so drastic.  
  
“But this is more than mood swings,” he argued as he gestured back towards Robert’s room. “It’s like he’s completely shut down.”  
  
Dr Kahn nodded in understanding. “Depression is also a possible side effect. None of us know exactly what is going on in Robert’s head right now. He’s suffered a traumatic experience and a brain injury. He needs some time to heal from that both mentally and physically.”  
  
It wasn’t what Aaron wanted to hear. He’d wanted the doctor to tell him there was some cure for Robert’s current state, that there was some magic treatment that would help Robert to feel better: he hated seeing him suffer like he was.  
  
“If Robert’s emotional state begins to affect his recovery we will get him an appointment with a member of the psychiatric team as soon as possible, but we need to give him time to get there himself first. I will be recommending that he sees a counsellor about his experience before he leaves the hospital anyway. I know you’re concerned about him, but the best thing you can do, right now, is be there for him.”  
  
Aaron sighed and nodded in understanding. Of course he was going to be there for Robert. He just desperately wanted to be able to do more. He thanked the doctor and headed down to the canteen to get a cup of tea while Robert was sleeping.  
  
The frustrating thing was that he’d started to get his hopes up again. The day before, Robert had woken up and seemed his usual, withdrawn self, but then his regular mutterings about deserving his pain had changed. He’d said, “I don’t deserve _you_ ” and that had to mean something - right? Why would he have said that if he wasn’t starting to remember something? If he wasn’t starting to remember _them_?  
  
Something had changed and Aaron wasn’t going to give up because Robert would remember them. A love like theirs couldn’t just be forgotten.  
  
***  
“...and I shouldn’t have said those things to you.”  
  
A voice was talking, speaking to him. A young female voice that seemed not entirely unknown to him.  
  
Robert had heard a lot of voices lately; all of them swirling around in his head, speaking over the top of one another and muddling him up even more. But one thing had been constant - the fact that the voices had been angry, hurling hateful words at him, leaving him in despair.  
  
But this voice wasn’t angry. It wasn’t yelling at him. Or telling him how awful he was.  
  
It was quiet. It sounded almost sad. But the words spoken weren’t bitter or angry or hateful. He didn’t want to shut this voice out: he wanted to listen.  
  
“I was so mad at you, but you obviously know that. I wish I hadn’t said that I’d be happy if you were dead. I didn’t mean that.”  
  
Something flittered through Robert’s mind, some dream or memory maybe of the same voice wishing him six feet under. He couldn’t quite reach whatever it was that was floating at the edge of his mind.  
  
“I was so mad at you...because you...you ruined _everything_. We were going to be happy, finally: you, me and Aaron.”  
  
Aaron? The beautiful man that Robert couldn’t figure out was part of this story that this girl was talking about? He didn’t understand why Aaron had waited patiently at his bedside for days now. He knew he wasn’t worth the time or effort or care so he couldn’t comprehend why Aaron was hanging around waiting for him. And now his name was being mentioned as part of what could be Robert’s life before this: the life he had forgotten.  
  
“I couldn’t forgive you. What you’d done...you’d messed it all up. And Aaron was so...he was heartbroken. And it was your fault.”  
  
There it was. That was the one thing that made sense to Robert. That he was responsible for so much suffering. He hurt people. And clearly this was yet another person who had fallen victim to his ways. And Aaron too. Somehow Robert had broken Aaron’s heart. And yet he was still there for him.  
  
“But I never really wanted you to die. I don’t know why you came in to help me...not after what I’d said to you. You risked your life to save me even after that. You could’ve just left me but you didn’t. And when you didn’t come out of the house after me...I thought you were going to die...trapped in that fire. And I was so scared.”  
  
A fire? That seemed like something that Robert knew: something he remembered even if it was only vaguely.  
  
He remembered fear, feeling his own and seeing the terror on another person’s face. A girl. He didn’t know who she was, but she was important to him. And he couldn’t let her get hurt. Even though he was afraid, he had to help her.  
  
And he had been so afraid. Afraid of the fire that was raging in the building he ran in to.  
  
Suddenly things seemed to slot together in his mind. There had been a fire and he had rescued the girl that had been trapped, but he’d got stuck and his leg was burned because of that.  
  
He almost gasped and opened his eyes as it came rushing back to him, but he didn’t want the girl beside his bed to stop talking. Something about her words was helping him to remember and he was so desperate for that to continue.  
  
“When Aaron told me that you couldn’t remember things...” There was a pause and it sounded like the girl had drawn in a shuddery breath. “It’s awful...but I was glad, at first. Because if you’d lost your memory, you wouldn’t remember what I’d said to you. But then I realised how selfish I was being and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you before - I didn’t know what to say.”  
  
There was another pause, longer this time, and Robert wondered if that was it. Maybe his visitor had gone.  
  
“Aaron doesn’t know I’m here, but he’s why I came,” the voice continued eventually. “He said that you were struggling and you were upset with yourself or something, and I thought maybe I could help. Maybe if I told you the truth - that I never hated you, not really - it might help you recover. I dunno...it’s probably stupid.”  
  
An image of himself hugging a teenage girl flashed through his mind. She was sad and he was sad and he was trying his hardest to be strong and hold everything together and she just needed reassurance that everything would be alright and Robert had managed to give her that. Maybe he wasn’t such an awful person after all.  
  
Slowly, he opened his eyes. The girl had stopped talking but she was still there and she was staring at Robert with wide, wet eyes. He recognised her: she was the girl from the moment he’d just remembered. And she was important to him.  
  
“Liv?” he asked. He had no idea where the name had come from, but just that it seemed right.  
  
“Robert?” she gasped. For a moment it looked like she might get up and run out of the door.  
  
“Don’t go,” Robert said quickly. He didn’t think he could bear it if she walked out and left him.  
  
Liv was watching him with an almost wary look on her face. She looked so anxious, like she was waiting for him to erupt and yell at her.  
  
Robert was watching her too. So much had come flooding back into his mind when he’d heard her speaking and now he saw her face, those memories just seemed to be solidified in his head. They weren’t floating just out of reach anymore: they were real and he could see them clearly.  
  
“I...know you,” he said quietly. It seemed like a daft thing to say but it was the truth and for him it meant a lot.  
  
The surprise was obvious on Liv’s face. She’d looked nervous before, but at Robert’s words she became all at once more relaxed but still unsure.  
  
“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” she said eventually. “I thought you’d be asleep for ages. Aaron said you spent a lot of time asleep.”  
  
Everything kept coming back to Aaron. Liv had mentioned him several times and every time Robert heard his name, he felt like there was a giant piece of a puzzle missing. He couldn’t fill that gap and it was so frustrating.  
  
The last few days (had it been days? He wasn’t sure as he’d spent so long lost in his own head, desperately trying to shut everything out) had been spent trying to ignore the fact that Aaron was there. He’d thought that maybe if he tried for long enough, Aaron would realise that Robert wasn’t worth his time. Robert didn’t deserve someone like Aaron so he was just waiting for Aaron to figure that out and leave him. That was what he deserved. But Aaron hadn’t left him. Stubbornly, patiently, he kept waiting for Robert. And Robert couldn’t understand why.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Liv asked after a while. She sounded nervous.  
  
“My leg hurts,” Robert replied, almost like it was an impulse reaction. He’d repeated the same words so many time lately, usually followed by the refusal of any pain relief offered and the desperate desire to be left alone. For some reason, he didn’t want to be alone today - he wanted Liv to stay.  
  
Liv sighed softly at his words, almost like she’d expected them. “You need to stop shutting everyone out,” she said bluntly.  
  
Robert’s eyes widened slightly at her words. It seemed familiar to him somehow that she was so direct.  
  
“Aaron told me that you’ve been shutting him out and saying all this stuff about deserving what happened. That’s not true though. You’ve made some mistakes - some pretty massive ones to be honest, but you don’t deserve to suffer because of that.  
“I know you can’t remember any of it, but I was horrible to you. I said some really bad stuff because I was so angry at you, and I didn’t really mean it, but you didn’t know that and you still ran into that fire to help me. You could’ve left me, you could’ve waited for the fire brigade to get there, but you didn’t.  
“Whatever is going on in your head...you might think you’re a bad person, but you’re not. I’ve forgiven you for what happened, and I think Aaron has too, so now you just need to forgive yourself.”  
  
Robert blinked rapidly a few times to hold back the tears that had formed in his eyes. He didn’t remember what had happened, but he was starting to think that maybe he didn’t need to: maybe the most important thing was to let it go. Maybe his brain was only letting him see all of the worst things, condensed into one long, repeating cycle. Maybe he wasn’t remembering any of the good things: the things that balanced out all of the bad.   
  
“You’re pretty smart for someone of your age,” he said eventually.  
  
A little smile pulled at her lips as Liv shrugged. “Yeah, well, I know you’re having trouble with your memory at the minute, but try to remember that.”  
  
Robert actually huffed out a little laugh at her words and he felt better than he had in days.  
  
“And make sure you tell Aaron when you see him. Maybe then he’ll stop banging on about school all the time.”  
  
***

“You’re awake,” Aaron stated as he walked into Robert’s room. He looked pleased by the fact.

It seemed like people pointed that out to Robert quite a lot and it made him start to consider how much time he’d been spending asleep, or at least in some sort of zoned out state where no-one could get through to him.

He didn’t want to do that anymore: he wanted to be awake. He wanted to get better and start accepting help. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly what had been the turning point. Obviously, something to do with Liv’s visit had triggered something: some memories or feelings had surfaced with her words. That had certainly helped. But after she’d left, he’d laid there thinking and he couldn’t get Aaron out of his head. It was like so many things kept leading him back to Aaron.

He wasn’t stupid. He’d had a blow to the head and forgotten a lot, but he could still put two and two together. He knew there was something between him and Aaron. Something more than friendship.

At first the idea had been a bit frightening. As far as he could remember, he’d never admitted the fact that he liked men as well as women to anyone, but then he’d reasoned with himself that he was a lot older now and even though he couldn’t remember ever ‘coming out’, maybe he was comfortable with that side of himself now. His brain, for all its bewilderment and gaps, certainly wasn’t confused about telling him that he _really_ liked Aaron.

Aaron was currently frowning slightly at him and Robert realised he hadn’t spoken a word since Aaron had arrived and had zoned out again, except this time he didn’t want to drift off into that place of loneliness and despair.

“Sorry,” he said quickly. “I was just thinking.”

A strange look appeared on Aaron’s face. It was a mixture of surprise and happiness and anxiety all in one expression. Robert wondered about it for a moment, but then realised that maybe Aaron was just shocked that he was actually talking to him, not lying there like he’d given up.

“I hear you had a visitor,” Aaron said as he came and sat down beside the bed.

“Liv?” Robert asked.

Aaron nodded. “I’m pleased she came to see you. She’s been all over the place since the fire: she’s been blaming herself.”

“It wasn’t her fault,” Robert said immediately.

Aaron smiled at him and nodded again. “I know, but she’s taken a lot of convincing about that and I don’t think she could accept it. She seemed so much better when she got back from seeing you.” Aaron paused and chewed on his lower lip a little. “Thank you,” he said eventually, “for talking to her. She really needed that.”

“I think I did too,” Robert admitted quietly. “I think…it’s hard to explain…I don’t remember everything, but I knew her – I _remembered_ her.”

A small smile tugged at Aaron’s mouth upon hearing Robert’s words, but there was something sad in his eyes. Robert didn’t like seeing it.

“I’m glad you did,” Aaron said quietly, averting his eyes as he looked anywhere in the room apart from at Robert.

They fell into silence. Robert so desperately wanted to be able to remember everything about Aaron, but he just couldn’t find the memories in his head and he knew it must be hurting Aaron.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured.

“What?” Aaron’s gaze snapped back to him. “What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry that I can’t remember how we were. I _know_ that you’re important to me: I can _feel_ it. But I can’t _remember_ and I’m so sorry.” He was getting upset: the feeling that he was letting Aaron down was heart-breaking.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Aaron said gently. He reached up to the bed and stroked the back of Robert’s left hand, his eyes moving down to look at it as he gently rubbed over his fingers. When he looked back up, he had tears in his eyes, but he looked determined. “You don’t have to apologise: it’s not your fault.” He drew in a deep breath before he continued. “It’ll be alright. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out, you know.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to let you down or disappoint you.”

The strangest look flickered across Aaron’s face at the words. He squeezed Robert’s fingers. “You won’t disappoint me, Robert,” he said forcefully. “I mean it.”

Robert gave him a watery smile. He really wanted to believe Aaron.

***  
  
_“You’re not a disappointment. You’re amazing.”_  
  
“You have no idea what he means to me. He’s everything.”  
  
“I don’t want easy. I want messed up with you...forever.”  
  
“If I lost you, I couldn’t handle it.”  
  
“You know how I feel about you. No-one else comes close.”  
  
“You’re not on your own. You’re with me now, remember.”  
  
“You know.”  
  
“I’m not leaving you.”  
  
“I mean it. I love you.”  
  
The flood of words swept over him. It extinguished the burning pain of the hateful words he’d become so used to. It wrapped him in love and held him safely in calmness. And yet there was so much passion there too. A love like he’d never known before.  
  
He gasped awake. It was like the smoke that had clouded his mind had completely cleared. He remembered everything.      


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm snarfettelove on tumblr - feel free to come and say hi!


	8. Light A Fire, A Flame In My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'Charlie Brown' by Coldplay.
> 
> I've suddenly decided that we've reached the end of this story! It just felt right to end it here. Plus, I wanted to get it finished and posted before Christmas so that means two updates in a week!
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos - you're all lovely! I hope you enjoy the ending - please let me know what you thought.

Of course it would be the middle of the night when Robert woke up with all of his memories finally back in place. It was just his luck, he grumbled to himself.  
  
The dimmed lights in the hospital and the quiet all around were his first clue. The lack of anyone by his bed was his second. For a moment, he was disappointed that Aaron wasn’t there: he wanted to share his news with him immediately. But then a creeping doubt took hold of him and his joy at remembering everything deflated with it.  
  
Because he remembered _everything_. He remembered loving Aaron with all of his heart. He remembered their soft moments and their passion. He remembered knowing that he would die for Aaron and he would do whatever it took to keep him safe. He remembered their wedding day, so uniquely them, so treasured.  
  
But he also remembered their fights. He remembered breaking Aaron’s heart with his stupid, stupid mistakes. He remembered losing Aaron and knowing that they were over. He remembered seeing Aaron with another man and feeling despair that he had well and truly lost the love of his life.  
  
And he remembered knowing that Aaron was better off without him.  
  
Blinking back tears that had suddenly welled as he remembered every detail, he wondered why Aaron had been so good to him. He’d been there waiting for him to regain consciousness; he’d been patiently sitting at Robert’s bedside every day; he’d been desperately hoping Robert would get his memories back. And Robert couldn’t understand why. Why would he even bother after what Robert had done? But he knew the answer to that. Aaron was such a good person: he had a kind soul despite what some people might see on the outside. There was no way he’d have left Robert to suffer through this alone because he was a wonderful human being. And Robert didn’t deserve him. He’d thought it before when he didn’t remember anything and, now he did remember, he _knew_ it was true.  
  
He stared up at the ceiling and thought about it all. His happiness at finally having his memories back was eroded by the knowledge of what he’d done. The things he’d had yelled at him inside his head, which seemed like nightmares, were actually memories haunting him.  
  
If he didn’t change who he was, make an effort to become a better person and hurt people less, he was going to end up alone. He had to start by doing the right thing. He had to let Aaron go so he could be happy with someone who deserved him.  
  
***  
  
When Robert woke up, the hospital had come back to life around him. He wasn’t sure when he’d drifted off. He wasn’t even sure _how_ he’d managed to with all the thoughts and memories rushing through his mind. But he’d obviously been exhausted so sleep had claimed him again.  
  
There still wasn’t anyone in the room with him and he didn’t know whether to be disappointed or pleased about that. He needed to be strong now and waking up to find Aaron waiting patiently for him again probably wouldn’t help him achieve that goal.  
  
As he looked around the room, his eyes landed on the doorway and, more specifically, who was standing outside his room in the corridor. Aaron was there talking quietly to someone. Maybe it was one of the doctors or nurses. Robert felt a small wave of panic wash through him at the idea that they might come in and start asking him questions about how he felt. He didn’t even know how to answer that question.  
  
After a few minutes of watching, Aaron moved slightly and the person he was speaking to stepped closer to the doorway. Robert’s heart stuttered a little in his chest when he realised that it was that doctor that Aaron had been seeing after they broke up, the one that had treated Liv. He watched them talking, Aaron looking quite relaxed and happy to talk to the other man, and his heart sank. Then he forced himself to stop feeling that way. Surely this was a good thing. The epiphany he’d had during the night, the painful memories returning to him in full glaring technicolour and his own realisation that Aaron would be so much better off without him, meant that seeing him with Alex (he was sure that was his name) had to be a positive thing because Aaron was finally moving on, leaving Robert and his mess and mistakes behind.  
  
Aaron deserved to be happy and it looked like Alex would be the person to help him achieve that. Robert was going to be strong: he was going to do the right thing. He was going to let Aaron go.  
  
He continued watching as Aaron bid farewell to the doctor, but as he turned to walk through the door, Robert tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling.  
  
He knew Aaron too well. He knew that he’d keep visiting him, keep trying to support him, because he was a good person and he wouldn’t turn his back on Robert. He knew that the only way to make Aaron leave him behind and truly move on would be to force him to go. He’d push him away for his own good. And while it might hurt Aaron at first, he’d come to realise it was for the best.  
  
Robert knew his own heart would be broken because all he wanted was another chance with Aaron to prove that he loved him and he’d never make the same mistakes again, but he also knew that now was the time for him to stand up and do the right thing for once. He was going to be selfless for the first time in his life.  
  
***  
  
“Hi,” Aaron said as he approached Robert’s bed. He’d brought him a cup of tea from the canteen on his way in. He knew Robert would’ve loved a decent cup of coffee but he wasn’t allowed that yet so a cup of PG would have to do: at least it was better than the stuff that came round on the trolley for the patients during the day. He placed the tea on Robert’s table and then actually looked at the man in the bed who hadn’t said a word or moved since he’d walked in.  
  
“Robert? You alright?” he asked as he watched Robert’s blank expression stare up at the ceiling.  
  
‘ _No_ ,’ he thought desperately. ‘This can’t be happening: he was so much better yesterday. He can’t have slipped back to that again.’  
  
“Robert, look at me,” he demanded. He was so angry. Not at Robert, not really. But at how cruel and unfair this was. He’d finally got his hopes up that Robert was going to be alright: he’d genuinely seemed better yesterday, like he was on the path to getting back to his old self even if he couldn’t remember everything, and that had been such a wonderful feeling, such a relief. Now, looking at Robert’s passive face, he felt like everything had been snatched away again. And yes, the doctors had warned him about mood swings and emotional trauma but this was more than that. It was like Robert couldn’t come back to him.  
  
“ _Please_ ,” he begged. “Please don’t slip away again. I thought you were feeling better.”  
  
Robert didn’t reply but he did close his eyes tightly. Then he slowly and awkwardly rolled onto his side so that his back was to Aaron.  
  
Aaron almost growled in frustration. His patience snapped at Robert’s actions. “Fine,” he bit out angrily. “Give up if you want. It’s not like it matters anyway: you can’t even _remember_ me so I might as well just go.”  
  
Abruptly, he pushed out of his chair and stomped for the door, refusing to turn back, scrubbing the tears angrily from his eyes as he went.  
  
If he’d taken another look at Robert, he might have seen the tears sliding down his face too.  
  
***  
Aaron’s anger and frustration had quickly given way to sadness and then disappointment. Not disappointment in Robert. Disappointment in himself for reacting the way he had. Hadn’t he promised himself that he’d stick by Robert and be the strong one for both of them this time? Hadn’t he told Robert only the night before by that everything would be alright and it wasn’t his fault? And now, when things had become really difficult, he’d lost control of his temper, yelled at Robert and stormed out. He’d abandoned him when he needed him the most.  
  
Of course he knew why he had. He’d been struggling to stay positive but he’d been so determined. He was exhausted: he’d had so many sleepless nights worrying about Robert. And he’d been convinced that finally, finally, things were going to work out for them. Robert had seemed to turn a corner in his recovery. They’d been through so much that Aaron thought that maybe their luck had changed. Maybe this was their chance to get it right.  
  
And then when he’d witnessed Robert’s lack of reaction, the fact that he’d seemingly got lost in his own head again, he couldn’t bear it. As he sat in his car in the lay-by on the way back to the village, he knew he’d been stupid. He wasn’t going to make any more excuses. He was going to turn around, go back to the hospital and be there for Robert. He wasn’t giving up.

***

As Aaron made his way back up to Robert’s room, he was rehearsing what he was planning to say to him when he arrived. He wasn’t good at talking about important stuff, neither of them were, but he knew that he needed to make the effort now and get this right. He desperately wanted to prove to Robert that he could support him through this so he knew an apology for storming out would be a good place to start.

He wanted to explain to Robert how he felt but knew it was going to be difficult. The doctors treating Robert had been quite clear in telling him, and all of Robert’s visitors, that they shouldn’t tell him too much about his life. Part of his brain’s recovery was going to be regaining those memories for himself and having people telling him bits here and there and trying to help him remember by planting things in his head wasn’t the best way for him to heal. It had been so frustrating sitting with Robert and not being able to just say, ‘I’m your husband, that’s why I’m here,’ because he could see Robert desperately trying to figure him out every time he sat next to his bed.

The day before, Robert had seemed so close to getting there. He’d even said he knew there was something between them so Aaron had been convinced that they were one step away from a full recovery. But even with his hopes dashed after seeing Robert that morning, he wasn’t going to give in. If Robert never regained his memories…well, they’d just have to make some new ones. And Aaron would happily spend as much time as it took for them to fall back in love again. Because he knew that they would.

“Good morning, Aaron,” Dr Kahn greeted him as he walked along the corridor towards Robert’s room.

“Morning,” he grunted.

“You must be so pleased by Robert’s sudden leap of progress,” the doctor declared brightly.

“Sorry?” Aaron asked in confusion. He’d come to a stop at the doctor’s words and was shaking his head slightly, a frown on his face.

“Oh, maybe you haven’t seen him yet,” Dr Kahn continued. “Well, I hope I haven’t ruined the surprise. I’m sure Robert would’ve liked to have told you himself. He’s regained his full memory.”

Aaron gaped at him in shock. In the hour or so that he’d been gone, Robert had remembered everything?

“It must have been quite a realisation for him to wake up in the middle of the night and remember everything, especially without anyone to tell.”

“The middle of the night?” Aaron asked. He felt like he couldn’t keep up with this conversation.

“Yes,” Dr Kahn nodded. “He said he woke up and it was all there back in his head. We’ve run some quick tests and asked him lots of questions to check and it appears that he has well and truly regained everything. I’m still going to be referring him to a counsellor for some sessions to help him talk through what’s happened to him, but he’s on the road to a full recovery.” The doctor smiled kindly at Aaron and then continued on his way down the corridor.

He probably thought that Aaron was just overwhelmed by the good news, but inside Aaron was in turmoil. Of course he was happy that Robert had remembered everything, but why had Robert been so cold and distant this morning? Why would he allow Aaron to think he’d gone backwards when actually the total opposite had happened? Why would he be trying to shut Aaron out? He didn’t know what to feel, but he knew there was only one way to get the answers he needed.

Walking into Robert’s room, Aaron watched as he closed his eyes and breathed out deeply through his nose, almost like he was frustrated that Aaron had returned. Aaron’s jaw clenched. This was a fucking joke. All the time he’d spent at Robert’s bedside, wishing and hoping that he’d wake up and know who he was, and now he had, he was treating Aaron like this.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as calmly as he could.

There was no response from Robert and Aaron felt himself getting angrier. He wasn’t going to allow this charade to continue.

“You can stop pretending, Robert. I’ve just spoken to Dr Kahn. He said you’ve got your memories back, that you got them back last night.”

Robert opened his eyes and stared at Aaron in shock.

“So you’ve what? Just decided to act like this to piss me off? Or to keep me hanging around? Is that it? You think that because you’re getting better, I’ll just leave you to it so you’re going to pretend just to keep me around?” It hadn’t occurred to him before that that might be the case but, once he’d started speaking, the idea had come to him. It was the sort of game that Robert would play. “If that’s what this is, that’s sick. You don’t need to pretend to be sick to keep me around.”

As Aaron had been ranting at him, Robert’s jaw had been clenching and he’d been blinking back tears again. “I don’t want you around!” he suddenly erupted.

Aaron actually took a slight step back at the angry words. His mouth flapped open in disbelief.

“Yes, I remember everything now. I’ve got it all back in here,” he tapped the side of his head bitterly as he continued before Aaron could speak again. “I know what I did to us and I know we’re over.”

“Robert…” Aaron tried to calm him but he couldn’t get any further as Robert just carried on ranting at him.

“Why are you even here? Why have you _been_ here this whole time? Is it pity? If it is, I don’t want it. I don’t deserve it - I know that much is true. Or do you feel like you owe me something for saving Liv? Because that’s not why I did it. I didn’t do it so you’d think I was some hero and come back to me because you felt like you had to. I did it because I care about her and I wasn’t going to leave her in there alone.”

“Rob,” Aaron tried again. He could feel tears welling in his eyes but he couldn’t get through to Robert in his distressed state.

“I know you’ve moved on, Aaron. I get it, I do. You’re better off without me anyway. You shouldn’t be here: I don’t deserve you. I ruined us and I’ll have the rest of my life to remember that. Don’t make this any harder, _please_. You should just go.”

“Stop it!” Aaron shouted at him, cutting him off finally. “Stop saying all that stuff. It’s not true. I’m not better off without you. I needed some time to _get_ better, because it was what _I_ needed, not because I didn’t want to be with you. And you needed that time too, even though you might not realise it.”

“You’d be better off with Alex,” Robert muttered. It seemed like the fight had left him suddenly.

“But I don’t want to be with Alex,” Aaron told him firmly. “And it’s not for you to decide.”

Robert looked at him sadly. “How can you still want to be anywhere near me after what happened?”

Sighing heavily, Aaron approached the bed and sat down in his usual chair. He took Robert’s hand in his and stroked his thumb over the back of Robert’s fingers. “You’ve only just remembered everything. For you, it must be overwhelming having everything that we’ve been through and where it all went wrong suddenly back in your head all in one go. You haven’t had time to deal with it. Before this happened, we’d both moved on a long way. We’d had time to process all of it and heal. We were mates again: you remember, right?”

Robert nodded slightly, a small smile tugging at his lips for the first time since Aaron had seen him that day. He hoped he was remembering something good about them.

“How did you feel about me before the fire?” Aaron asked. He decided that maybe the doctors had been right all along; maybe Robert needed to lead the way he dealt with remembering things. Even though he’d got his memories back, he still needed time to process everything.

Robert swallowed thickly but he looked determined. “I still loved you. I wanted us to be together again,” he said confidently.

“Did you think that maybe we had a chance at that?” Aaron asked.

“Yes,” Robert breathed out softly. The look on his face was practically melting Aaron’s heart.

“I’d thought that too, you know,” he told Robert. “We were both in a better place, maybe ready to try again.” He frowned slightly and squeezed Robert’s fingers a little. “When I saw you pulled out from that fire…” he paused and drew in a shaky breath. “I thought I’d lost you. I thought we’d finally lost our chance to get it right, to be together again. And I couldn’t bear it. I’m not letting you go again, Robert.”

Robert’s eyes were shining with tears. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.

Standing up suddenly, Aaron leant over the bed and looked into Robert’s eyes. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again,” he said quietly but fiercely. “I love you. I want messed up with you forever.” He smiled slightly before he leant closer and pressed his lips softly against Robert’s.

Robert still looked a little apprehensive when Aaron pulled back and gazed down at him, although he was also looking a little starry-eyed from the kiss. “What if I ruin everything and let you down again?”

“We’re not perfect. We never will be. But we want this to work so we have to try. It’s always been you and me, hasn’t it?”

“No-one else comes close,” Robert replied with a small smile.

Aaron huffed out a soft laugh and leaned in to kiss him again. It was time for them both to start making some new memories.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to 'borrow' Robert's latest iconic line from last night's amazing episode and have Aaron saying it to Robert! 
> 
> I'm snarfettelove on tumblr.


End file.
